LA VERNA
A Saucy Romp for All Tastes
TIME
THE PRESENT
PLACE
LA VERNA
The Tuscany compound which is the home and fortress of Guiseppe La Verna, the most famous muralist living.
SETTING
One set.
The inner sanctum of the world of Guiseppe La Verna. Surrounded by high walls, all covered with miniature versions of murals yet to be painted in situ. It is the garret one would imagine a poor struggling artist to have, where he lives, sleeps and paints and brings women. La Verna is fabulously wealthy, but he never wants to separate himself from the romance of his bohemian beginnings. Hence the easels, the palettes, the scattered clothes, the lumpy bed, a small bathroom off to one side, a tiny hot plate, some well worn books. There is no real window, just one painted to show a fake view.
CAST
GUISEPPE LA VERNA- world famous muralist
NEBULA- his fifth wife and current muse
METAPHORA- A fifty year old housewife and HS art teacher, mother of two grown children, newly accepted as his latest protégé
PHIL- Mettie’s husband- an administrator of a large rural medical center in the American Midwest.
SCENE ONE Guiseppe gets with Nebula
GIUSEPPE
Nebula, my sweet, don’t be angry.
NEBULA
Why shouldn’t I be?
GUISEPPE
You know she means nothing to me.
NEBULA
I know that.
GIUSEPPE
Then why are you so cold?.
NEBULA
Because I know that. She’s nothing to you. The last one was nothing to you. The one after her will be
nothing to you. And I am nothing to you.
GIUSEPPE
Mia stella is that what is bothering you?
NEBULA
No. What’s bothering me is that it ISN”T bothering me.
GIUSEPPE
You’re a mystery.
NEBULA
To you maybe. But not to myself. I accept your affairs as I always have. I know exactly what you are
doing, I know exactly why you do it, and I know exactly why I put up with it. I’m tired of it.
GIUSEPPE
I’ll quit everyone but you.
NEBULA
Don’t be an idiot.
GIUSEPPE
Ok then, I’ll hide everyone from you.
NEBULA
You couldn’t. I see through you Giuseppe, like a window.
GIUSEPPE
Then what is it I can do? I can’t bear to see you like this.
NEBULA
What you can’t bear is that I won’t let you come near me.
GIUSEPPE
I disgust you.
NEBULA
No You don’t disgust me. In fact, I find you more attractive than ever.. Your hands, your eyes, your passionate disregard, all impel me towards you, more utterly than ever.
GIUSEPPE
So why are we not making love?
NEBULA
Just because of that. It’s boring.
GIUSEPPE
Boring? I Giuseppe La Verna- I bore you? I found you in a pig sty, Nebula, with the swine. I saw the beauty in the mud, and introduced you to the world, cleansed and glorious. If it weren’t for me, you would have spent your entire miserable existence in a stupor so profound that you would regard the rising of the sun as the day’s big news.
NEBULA
Ah, but that’s it, Giuseppe. The rising of the sun IS the day’s big news.
GIUSEPPE
Ah, we’re back to this again. Nebula, mia galassia, You must get help.
NEBULA
Why? Because I realize that the simple things that make life worth living, that cost most people nothing,
would cost me my life?
GIUSEPPE
Please, cara, don’t excite yourself.
NEBULA
Ah, if I only could. . Then I could escape this all consuming paralysis that grips me, and keeps me bolted to this prison of love.
GIUSEPPE
Per l’amore di Dio, abbi pieta di mi (or the love of God, have pity on me)
NEBULA
Pieta? Te la faccio vedere __ la pieta! (Pity, I’ll show you pity)
GIUSEPPE
Nebula, solo un huomo, non un mago. (Nebula, I’m just a man, not a magician)
NEBULA
Ma la magia, usavamos farla ( Ah, but we used to make magic)
GIUSEPPE
Basta! (Enough)
NEBULA
You’re good, Giuseppe, I could almost believe you care.
GIUSEPPE
How can you accuse me of indifference? Am I not here, pleading for you?
NEBULA
You’re callous not to think of some new way to adore me. Remember when we first made love?
GIUSEPPE
How can I remember what I’ve never forgotten?
NEBULA
I knew you were going to say that. Surprise me for once Giuseppe. Nebula I prize you above jewels, Nebula, my heart is always yours, Nebula you inspire my art. You haven’t said an original thing to me in years. Go ahead, start a sentence, I’ll finish it for you.
GIUSEPPE
Such pride.
GIUSEPPE and NEBULA
So beautiful.
GIUSEPPE
You read my lips
NEBULA
I read your mind. Here, I’ll prove it. Start a sentence, and I’ll write the end of it on this paper. Then you can say it out loud, and then I’ll show you what I wrote. I guarantee you, it will be identical.
GIUSEPPE
My love for you is…
(NEBULA writes)
like the jewel drops of dew on the rose petals in our garden.
NEBULA
(Reads) like jeweled dew drops on our garden roses.
GIUSEPPE
See.
NEBULA
I was right.
GIUSEPPE
You weren’t right, you were merely close.
NEBULA
I knew you’d say that too. You’re a stubborn pig. I don’t know why I put up with this.
GIUSEPPE
Because you love me. There’s no other reason.
NEBULA
Love is not the issue here, my love. I’m suffocating, drowning in all of this love. I need dry ground.
GIUSEPPE
You would be gasping for air in minutes, my dear. I am your element. There is no other place for you. Come to me, and breathe.
NEBULA
You’re so sure.
GIUSEPPE
I am so sure.
NEBULA
But I am not, Giuseppe. I am not sure at all.
GIUSEPPE
Then you should be reassured. This uncertainty is new to you, no?
NEBULA
Yes.
GIUSEPPE
So at least, until you get used to it, the uncertainty you feel about me should be exciting to you.
NEBULA
It could be.
GIUSEPPE
Then, let it be. There’s nothing that you can do about anything tonight. We’re here, I want you, we are alone, you me and your exciting uncertainty. Why not let that sweep you into my arms?
NEBULA
And she means nothing to you?
GIUSEPPE
Nothing, I swear it. On my heart.
NEBULA
Swear by something honest, Giuseppe, you have the heart of a tomcat.
GIUSEPPE
By my murals, Nebula.
NEBULA
Giuseppe.
GIUSEPPE
Surprised you at last.
NEBULA
At last. For now.
(They begin to make love)
BLACKOUT
SCENE TWO: Giuseppe gets with Mettie
GIUSEPPE
I admire your form.
METTIE
I’ve been working on it for years, whenever I could squeeze in the time. You know what with the kids and Phil and my job.
GIUSEPPE
Yes, you’ve mentioned this.
METTIE
It hasn’t been easy. That’s why I still can’t believe I’m here. This is the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I can’t thank you enough.
GIUSEPPE
Ah, but everything you’ve lived through shows in your work. It gives it a rich texture.
METTIE
I was thinking I was too old.
GIUSEPPE
So delicate, so firm.
METTIE
For years, I’ve tried to combine the two, but it’s eluded me. It’s what I admire most about your work.
GIUSEPPE
What do you admire about me?
METTIE
The absolute confluence of strength and vulnerability.
GIUSEPPE
Confluence? Bah.
METTIE
I’ve offended you?
GIUSEPPE
I hate those words that mean nothing. Give me a word I can paint, I can taste, a word with blood thumping through its heart.
METTIE
I’m, I’m sorry
GIUSEPPE
Then that makes two lessons you must learn. First not to use words for which you must apologize, and second never to apologize, no matter what words you use.
METTIE
I want to learn to paint, not write.
GIUSEPPE
I am not talking about painting OR writing. I’m talking about living.
METTIE
Oh.
GIUSEPPE
Now I’ve made you uncomfortable.
METTIE
Yes.
GIUSEPPE
Good.
(He makes an amorous advantage which continues through the following))
METTIE
Please stop that. I’m married.
((GIUSEPPE responds with amusement)
I mean it. Stop.
GIUSEPPE
I understand perfectly what you mean.
METTIE
Then why aren’t you stopping?
GIUSEPPE
Because I understand perfectly. Don’t worry, you may blame me entirely.
METTIE
You are a pig.
GIUSEPPE
Of course.
METTIE
This is totally unacceptable.
GIUSEPPE
Of course.
METTIE
Back off. Where I come from when a woman says no it means no.
GIUSEPPE
But you are not there. You’re here. With me.
METTIE
Get off me. Right now.
(And with a move learned in a women’s self defense class she bellows NO right in his face and kicks him in the groin.)
GIUSEPPE
(Gasping) Perhaps I misunderstood. . Scusi.
METTIE
(in wonderment) It actually works.
(She helps him on to the bed and sits on the edge and laughs.)
GIUSEPPE
This amuses you.
METTIE
Oh my yes. Not hurting you, of course. You are going to be all right, aren’t you?
GIUSEPPE
I don’t know, cara.
METTIE
Certainly can’t be the first time you’ve been kicked in the nuts.
GIUSEPPE
By a woman? Si.
METTIE
It’s the first time I’ve ever kicked anyone, at least for real. I mean, I’ve practiced it.
GIUSEPPE
This is something you’ve rehearsed?.
METTIE
Yes. We lived in a big city, you know, before Phil, that’s my husband..
GIUSEPPE
I am aware.
METTIE
Before Phil got his latest promotion, and he worried about me because I stayed late at school, and came in after dark, especially in the winter, so I took this class, and never used a move..until this very minute. And it works. I feel really good about that.
GIUSEPPE
I am so pleased for you.
METTIE
I don’t mean to gloat. But I felt so powerful. Do you have any idea what’s it’s like to feel weak?
GIUSEPPE
Now, at least, a little.
METTIE
So, what if I were to make advances to you in your weakness? (Doing so)
GIUSEPPE
I would have to fight you. Tooth and nail.
METTIE
And what if I ignored you? And kept coming on?
GIUSEPPE
I would have to succumb. You’d be too much for me to resist.
METTIE
Oh stop it. You would be completely turned off.
GIUSEPPE
No I wouldn’t.
METTIE
(Stopping her advances) Yes you would. You’re a man.
GIUSEPPE
I object. I am not just any man. I am Giuseppe La Verna. And if I am weak, that is my strength.
METTIE
Don’t be ridiculous.
GIUSEPPE
If I am ridiculous, that is my dignity..
METTIE
That’s nonsense.
GIUSEPPE
My nonsense is my wisdom
METTIE
That’s like saying, your repulsiveness is exactly what is attractive about you.
GIUSEPPE
Now you begin to understand me.
METTIE
My confusion is my enlightenment.
GIUSEPPE
Your beauty is…
METTIE
Watch it buddy..
GIUSEPPE
Your beauty, my dear.
(They start in again)
METTIE
(Stops long enough to say)
Giuseppe, what are we doing? I mean I know what we’re doing, but can it lead to anything good? I doubt it.
GIUSEPPE
(Before continuing on) Your doubt is your destiny, my sweet.
BLACKOUT
Scene Three: Phil gets with Nebula, sort of
Opens with Mettie and Guiseppe still in bed, three days later.
METTIE
We probably should get up.
GIUSEPPE
What for?
METTIE
Don’t you have appointments? Don’t I have work?
GIUSEPPE
Are you already tired of me, my love? Only three days, and you are thinking of work?
METTIE
No, I’m not tired of you, I didn’t mean that. It’s just.
GIUSEPPE
Don’t we have everything we need? Is not this our universe? You and I represent all that is necessary, la metafora.
METTIE
Well, it’s been lovely, I mean it. I never really thought I’d do something like this, and I’m not sorry or nything. No, no, it’s been great, really.
GIUSEPPE
But?
METTIE
Well- it’s your wife.
GIUSEPPE
Nebula? What could she have to do with it?
METTIE
Don’t you feel weird about her bringing us our food up here?
GIUSEPPE
No.
METTIE
She’s so pleasant. It makes me nervous.
GIUSEPPE
Don’t let it bother you my sweet. Nebula is a woman of the world. She understands my needs, and at this moment I need you.
METTIE
I don’t think Phil would take it so well.
GIUSEPPE
Of course he wouldn’t. He’d rage like a tiger, no doubt. Very commendable.
METTIE
Yes, I guess it is. No, don’t start in… I hear her coming up the stairs.
ENTER NEBULA with a tray of food.
NEBULA
Ah Giuseppe- there is someone here. Shall I bring him up?
METTIE
No!
GIUSEPPE
Yes, of course. (Nebula exits)
Metafora, don’t be alarmed, this is how I receive my guests.
METTIE
Maybe you. But what will he think of me?
GIUSEPPE
That you must be the most fascinating woman in the world to capture my attention. He will want you for himself.
METTIE
Even so, I should get presentable.
(She starts to dress. As she does, Nebula returns with the visitor, Phil, who has flown in from the US to surprise Mettie)
NEBULA
This way.
(Phil enters, it’s obvious what’s been going on)
PHIL
Mettie?
METTIE
Phil?
GIUSEPPE
Ah, the husband. I am so glad to meet you.
(He gets up to shake hands, Phil ignores him.)
PHIL
What’s going on?
NEBULA
You need to ask?
METTIE
Phil, Phil…
(Phil takes in the situation, realizes that he isn’t hallucinating, and without warning leaps upon Giuseppe.)
PHIL
I’m going to kill you, you son of a bitch.
(Metaphora and Nebula leap into the fray, to separate the men)
NEBULA
Get Guiseppe out of here. I’ll deal with him.
NEBULA
Do as I tell you. Now.
METTIE
But.
NEBULA
Get Guiseppe out of here. They’ll hurt each other. Would you like to be responsible for that?
METTIE
No, no.. I’m not leaving.
NEBULA
Very well. You force me to do this.
(Nebula, with surprising strength, clocks Phil and knocks him out)
METTIE
Oh god, you’ve killed him.
NEBULA
No I haven’t. Now the two of you get out of here.
GIUSEPPE
It’s better to listen to her. See what happened when you didn’t?
METTIE
All right.. but I’m coming back.
NEBULA
Not until I tell you. Orta la fuori di qui, Giuseppe, e cosi sciocca (Get her out of her Giuseppe, she’s such a fool)
GIUSEPPE
Va bene (all right) Va, let’s go. Nebula will take care of things. Come.
(Mettie lets Guiseppe lead her out. Nebula goes to the small bathroom and comes back with a wet towel. She sits on the bed, and sits with Phil’s head on her lap, she strokes his forehead for a while, and he comes to.)
PHIL
Mettie? Where’d she go.
NEBULA
She went away for a while.
PHIL
She’s with him, isn’t she?
NEBULA
I won’t lie.
PHIL
I can’t believe it.
NEBULA
Oh I think you can.
PHIL
What do you mean. Who the hell are you to tell me what I believe or not?
NEBULA
I am the wife of Giuseppe La Verna.
PHIL
The wife? You’re his WIFE?
NEBULA
Is that so difficult to absorb.
PHIL
Well, yes. Did you know what they were doing up here?
NEBULA
Of course.
PHIL
And you went along with it?
NEBULA
I catered it.
PHIL
Come again?
NEBULA
I brought them their food.
PHIL
Why in god’s name would you do that?
NEBULA
So they wouldn’t starve.
PHIL
You just let it happen.
NEBULA
And you should have, too.
PHIL
Just stood there, done nothing?
NEBULA
Once you were here, I suppose not. But if you hadn’t come, or at least called in advance of your arrival.
PHIL
I wanted to surprise her. That’s all.
NEBULA
You accomplished that aim.
PHIL
No, I thought she’d be happy to see me.
NEBULA
Santi Cieli (Good heavens) You’re serious.
PHIL
Of course I am.
NEBULA
You really thought that this would be a pleasant experience?
PHIL
Yes. Why else would I do it?
NEBULA
That’s so sweet.
PHIL
You sound incredulous.
NEBULA
Well I am. I am beginning to believe that you honestly thought your wife was faithful and loving.
PHIL
She is. Or at least she was.
NEBULA
How long have you been married to her?
PHIL
Thirty four years.
NEBULA
And you never cheated?
PHIL
No. I never did. And I would have sworn to you, in fact I still swear that Mettie didn’t either.
NEBULA
Well, perhaps it was time then.
PHIL
You seem so calm
NEBULA
I suppose I do.
PHIL
Is that what you people do over here?
NEBULA
No one cheats in America? Please.
PHIL
Sorry. They do. I don’t. But maybe I’ve been missing out. Maybe I should cheat. I could have you know, I had opportunities. I did.
NEBULA
I can believe that.
PHIL
You can.
NEBULA
Of course. You’re attractive, and you make money and you have principles. This makes a nice combination.
PHIL
So you would notice me.
NEBULA
I already have.
PHIL
Then.. then… let’s, let’s
NEBULA
Are you trying to suggest that we make love?
PHIL
Yes, yes, yes I am. It makes sense doesn’t it?
NEBULA
For revenge?
PHIL
Well, yes.
NEBULA
I am not against it. In fact, I’ve done so many times. Giuseppe is always having women, who often have men who need revenge.
PHIL
So…let’s.
NEBULA
I, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but no.
PHIL
No?
NEBULA
You’re beautiful, you’re perfect. You are obviously virile, and your lovemaking would be fantastic, fueled by anger- it would be heavenly. I’m sure.
PHIL
Then why not?
NEBULA
Because you’re virtuous.
PHIL
I’m what?
NEBULA
You’re a virtuous man. And while in the past, I admit, I found virtuous men boring, at this point in my life, I find them tremendously exciting.
PHIL
So let’s do something about it.
NEBULA
But then you would not be virtuous anymore, and I would find you run of the mill.
PHIL
You’re joking.
NEBULA
I am not.
PHIL
That just tears it. You won’t have me?
NEBULA
Not as you are now.
PHIL
What would I have to do to make you want me?
NEBULA
I already want you. That’s the wrong question.
PHIL
What’s the right question?
NEBULA
You must ask me what you must do in order for me to allow you to make love to me.
PHIL
Tell me..
NEBULA
You have two choices. First, remain virtuous. Divorce your philandering wife, and marry me, and stay faithful forever.
PHIL
I don’t know about that. What’s the second?
NEBULA
Lose your virtue elsewhere, then come back and see me.
(She gives Phil a very warm kiss and exits)
SCENE 4 Phil loses his virtue
(Phil is on the bed, holding his head, where Nebula left him. Enter Giuseppe, who sits next to him)
GIUSEPPE
How are you my friend?
PHIL
You have some nerve calling me that.
GIUSEPPE
I know how you must feel. Nebula perfected her technique on me, I’m afraid. Be thankful that she does not aim for your manhood.
PHIL
Go away.
GIUSEPPE
May I point out to you, that if there is any going to be done, it must be done by you.
PHIL
What are you talking about?
GIUSEPPE
This is my atelier, after all.
(Phil ,disgusted, tries to get up, but he’s still too woozy from the blow dealt by Nebula. He falls back, and is caught by Giuseppe)
You see, I am your friend. Not only do I allow you to stay here where you made an attempt on my life, I keep you from falling and hitting your head again.
PHIL
Thanks, I guess.
GIUSEPPE
Now, that we are agreed that we are friends,
PHIL
I didn’t agree to that.
GIUSEPPE
We have slept with the same woman. That makes us more than friends, does it not?
(Phil makes a half hearted attempt to throttle Giuseppe, but is easily fended off this time. He collapses, defeated)
Don’t take it this way, Filippo, you will make yourself sad.
PHIL
You cheat with my wife. I’d say it’s you two making me sad.
GIUSEPPE
I do not think so. In fact, I think you should be happy.
PHIL
You’re crazy.
GIUSEPPE
Indeed? And you consider yourself sane, I gather.
PHIL
Yes, yes I do.
GIUSEPPE
You think it’s sane to keep a beautiful, sensuous treasure of a female all to yourself for years on end?
PHIL
Of course. How could anyone think otherwise?
GIUSEPPE
Another proof of your imbalance. You think it is impossible to think otherwise than you think yourself.
PHIL
Right is right, and this was not right.
GIUSEPPE
Can your world really be that simple?
PHIL
It is.
GIUSEPPE
In which case, you mean to renounce all future happiness with your beautiful spouse?
PHIL
I have no choice. I walk in here, expecting to see my wife fulfilling her lifelong dream, and what do I get?
GIUSEPPE
Perhaps exactly what you came for?
PHIL
You think her lifelong dream was to sleep with you?
GIUSEPPE
No, no. not at all. The answer is in her name.
PHIL
Mettie?
GIUSEPPE
La Metafora. You are aware of its meaning, I trust.
PHIL
Yes, I am. Of course I am. How dare you explain my wife’s name to me?
GIUSEPPE
Then, think my friend. She and I make passionate love, for days, no, don’t try that again. You will only hurt yourself. She and I make the stars sing, but it is not personal. It’s symbolic of her unleashed zest for existence, for her art.
PHIL
I’m getting ready to kill myself now. Why am I listening to this?
GIUSEPPE
You want me to tell you.
PHIL
No I don’t.
GIUSEPPE
Very well then. I will be silent.
(They sit in silence, for a while, and then Phil breaks down into tears, Giuseppe comforts him, and Phil gets a hold of himself)
PHIL
I’m completely humiliated. I want to die.
GIUSEPPE
No, no, my friend. This is the wrong way to think of it. Perhaps a part of you has died. A part you no longer want or need. Now you can live.
PHIL
I tried.
GIUSEPPE
I heard about it.
PHIL
You already talked to your wife. I’m pathetic.
GIUSEPPE
No indeed. Nebula finds you most attractive. She told me of the choices she offered you.
PHIL
Great.
GIUSEPPE
Indeed my friend, it is great. For me and you.
PHIL
Hit me on the head again.
GIUSEPPE
The first choice is out of the question. I do not advise you to give up La Metafora for Nebula. It would not be wise. Nebula would not wait thirty four years before making you unhappier than you are now.
PHIL
Maybe I have something to over her that you don’t.
GIUSEPPE
And what could that possibly be?
PHIL
My, my virtue.
GIUSEPPE
(Laughing) Don’t confuse Nebula’s interest in your virtue with a desire on her part to emulate it. You wouldn’t want to leave her alone with the bell hop in the elevator to the honeymoon suite.
PHIL
What a way to talk about your own wife.
GIUSEPPE
I”ve had five wives my friend, and I know from experience that is the only way to talk about Nebula. She is voracious. She’ll mate with any one.
PHIL
But not me. Were you planning to make me feel worse?
GIUSEPPE
No indeed. I came here with the good news, which you haven’t let me tell you.
PHIL
Please. Put me out of my misery.
GIUSEPPE
I have come to take your virtue.
PHIL
This is not happening.
GIUSEPPE
Ah but it is. Have you never made love to a man?
PHIL
Of course not. What do you take me for? I mean, I’m not against it, it that’s what someone wants, but but but, I’m straight, damn it. Straight as an arrow.
GIUSEPPE
And you want my wife, no?
PHIL
No, well, yes, just how am I supposed to answer that?
GIUSEPPE
With the truth. Tell me. Do you want my wife or not?
PHIL
All right, yes. She’s beautiful. Who wouldn’t want her?
GIUSEPPE
Then, it’s simple. You can have her, without divorce and remarriage, as long as you go to her corrupt.
PHIL
And you’re going to corrupt me so I can sleep with your wife?
GIUSEPPE
You don’t understand love, Filippo, the way that I do. I love Nebula, she is my muse, my life, and I do everything I can to make her happy.
PHIL
By being unfaithful to her?
GIUSEPPE
My fidelity to her is absolute. Come make love with me. (He begins to seduce Phil)
PHIL
No.
GIUSEPPE
Have you ever tried it?
PHIL
No.
GIUSEPPE
Or thought about it?
PHIL
… No
GIUSEPPE
You hesitate. Honesty alone will serve you here my friend. This is a chance that will never come again.
PHIL
Now stop this, La Verna.
GIUSEPPE
I will, if you agree to listen to my plea. Really listen.
PHIL
Ok, Ok, but just stop.
GIUSEPPE
You come here to my studios, with your world in order, thinking that your wife would act as if the chains she bore her whole life were still encircling her.
PHIL
My wife was not chained.
GIUSEPPE
No more interruptions, or I will begin to kiss you madly.
PHIL
OK, just talk.
GIUSEPPE
Your world was in order, and in one moment, everything was thrown into chaos. The foundation of your moral certainty, your mental health, all now in question… so you
approach my wife, which is the conventional response. But my friend, you are not with conventional people any more. You are with La Verna, and I know that you are a brave, sensuous man, because you could not have held La Metafora so tightly to you if you were not. I am not saying her chains were forced upon her. From the ruins of your old world, a new one can arise, a new one, in which pleasure in the moment, in the opportunities before you are to be embraced, with delight.
PHIL
Your argument has merit. But there’s one problem here. I’m not gay.
GIUSEPPE
And neither am I.
PHIL
Then what are we doing?
GIUSEPPE
We are going to make one beautiful woman so very happy, she will do anything we wish to show her gratitude. Anything, my friend. You will be thrilled.
PHIL
And to get there I have to.. be with you.
GIUSEPPE
Exactly. So simple.
PHIL
Ok, ok then. Let’s get it over with.
(They kiss)
BLACK OUT.
SCENE 5 Phil and Giuseppe get with Nebula
Phil and Guiseppe are in bed, some hours after we left them, enter Nebula
NEBULA
Ehi bell’huomo, non riesco ancora a credere che avresti fatto questo per me. Ti amo ardenterente. Quale donna e piu adorata di me? Dimmelo, o mio amato Giuseppe. (You beautiful man, I can’t believe that you would do this for me. I love you madly, What woman is more adored than I am? I ask you to tell me that. O my loving Giuseppe)
PHIL
Is she mad?
GIUSEPPE
(Breaking away from Nebula’s frenzy of kisses) Completely insane. It’s beautiful,no?
NEBULA
Oh Phil, you have done this for me?
PHIL
I didn’t have much to lose.
(Guiseppe prods him hard)
I mean, yes, yes, for you.
NEBULA
Guiseppe told you to say that. But it doesn’t matter. I am so happy, caro, that I must repay you both. (She climbs into bed between them)
PHIL
Hey! What’s going on?
GIUSEPPE
You have to ask?
PHIL
No, I mean, what’s she doing here.
NEBULA
What do you think?
PHIL
Wait a minute. Just wait.
(He gets out of bed, makes sure he’s modestly covered, then paces)
You’re talking about a threesome?
NEBULA
I was not talking about it, I believe I was walking the walk. Isn’t that better?
PHIL
Shouldn’t we think this through?
GIUSEPPE
If you like. But permit us to let you lead the way. Myself, I never think twice before accepting such a gift.
NEBULA
I thought you wanted me. Why else would I find you here in bed with Giuseppe?
Perhaps I misunderstood, and you want Giuseppe all to yourself?
PHIL
No, no… I’m still jet lagged for gosh sakes. Just let me think.
GIUSEPPE
Do you mind if we make love until you’re ready to join us?
PHIL
Why yes, yes I do. How do you expect me to think while that’s going on?
NEBULA
That’s fair. But think quickly, I am anxious to have you.
PHIL
Where’s Mettie?
NEBULA
Still sleeping. I gave her some of my sleeping medicine. She was distraught.
GIUSEPPE
I thought three days with me would have been enough to tire her out.
NEBULA
I’m sure she’ll sleep soundly a while more. Long enough for us to get started, if not to finish. So if you have to think Phil, please do it quickly.
PHIL
I wasn’t planning to share you, Nebula, not with him.
GIUSEPPE
That doesn’t seem fair.
PHIL
You’re her husband, Giuseppe? I mean, aren’t you Italian? Won’t you get jealous and come after me.
GIUSEPPE
I assure you that’s not a problem.
PHIL
I’ve seen those movies, everyone is so agreeable and well, European, and then in the end, there’s poison or a butcher’s knife, and some one is dead, usually the patsy. Me. You’re going to kill me as soon as I’ve fallen asleep.
GIUSEPPE
Even if that were so, it’s not so bad. You’d die so happy.
NEBULA
Oh yes you would. Come to bed. Don’t be foolish.
PHIL
Maybe I’ve already been foolish. My god, what am I going to tell Mettie?
NEBULA
(Getting out of bed to comfort Phil) Tell her the truth. You only did what she did.
She gave you permission, caro. You have no apologies to make.
PHIL
But I slept with a man
GIUSEPPE
And so did she.
PHIL
But she hasn’t slept with a man and his wife.
NEBULA
No, you’ll be the first to do that.. at least in your family.
PHIL
That makes me worse than her.
GIUSEPPE
Not worse. Farther along… more sophisticated. Women like that.
NEBULA
They do.
PHIL
You didn’t say that before.
NEBULA
Women like your wife, I mean. After all, didn’t you find her in bed with Giuseppe?
PHIL
Mettie wouldn’t.. well she used to not… before all this. Oh bother. Do you mind if I join you?
NEBULA
Please do.
(The three of them jump in together, and as they begin to romp) BLACKOUT.
Scene Six Mettie gets with Phil and Giuseppe
Opens with Nebula, Giuseppe flanking Phil in the bed. Nebula and Giuseppe are starting to light up cigarettes.
PHIL
Don’t do that.
NEBULA
Do what?
PHIL
Smoke in bed.
GIUSEPPE
You Americans. So prim.
NEBULA
He’s very healthy, Guiseppe…at least HE wasn’t huffing and puffing.
GIUSEPPE
Bah. (but he puts out the cigarette, as does Nebula)
PHIL
Thank you.
NEBULA
You’re so ill tempered after such a lovely time.
PHIL
Well I am.
GIUSEPPE
He replaces nicotine with the favorite drug of the Puritans- guilt.
PHIL
I am not feeling guilty.
NEBULA
Then what is it caro?
PHIL
I don’t know.
GIUSEPPE
Guilt.
NEBULA
Still jet lagged, perhaps.
GIUSEPPE
Disappointed.
NEBULA
Not with me, I can promise you that.
GIUSEPPE
I didn’t mean to imply that anyone could be disappointed with you. I merely meant the entire experience. It may take some getting used to.
NEBULA
He is probably still in shock,
PHIL
He’s here.
GIUSEPPE
Who? Where?
PHIL
Me. Here. Stop talking about me like I’m not here. I am.
NEBULA
Then tell us what’s bothering you?
PHIL
If I could. I just don’t know why I don’t feel better. No offense to either of you. You were both quite, quite, capable.
NEBULA
Capable, mamma mia.
PHIL
Ingenious. Better?
GIUSEPPE
I would hope so, I am a genius, after all.
NEBULA
Then what is it, Filippo, tell us.
PHIL
I… you aren’t going to believe this. I’ve never been with anyone but Mettie.
(The response to this is raucous laughter from Nebula and Giuseppe)
I guess it was obvious then.
NEBULA
No, no, you were masterful.
GIUSEPPE
The elbow in my eye, only.
NEBULA
And the knee.. it was unfortunate.
GIUSEPPE
And your aim, was not always what we would call accurate.
NEBULA
And once or twice, you may have lost us in the crowd.
PHIL
All right. It was obvious. Up until I walked in this room, I was, well I was sort of a virgin. And now I’m not anymore.
GIUSEPPE
No, you are not.
PHIL
I used to wonder what it would be like, to be with someone else.. and now I know. And here’s the funny thing.
NEBULA
We prepare to laugh, right caro? (to Guiseppe)
PHIL
I want to share it with Mettie.
GIUSEPPE
Why that is brilliant. Of course you do.
NEBULA
How remarkable. I’ll go get her.
PHIL
No, no, no.
GIUSEPPE
But why not? Va, Nebula, find her, and bring her to us. (Exit Nebula)
PHIL
How can I face her?
GIUSEPPE
You will be doing her a kindness. She is most likely wracked with guilt, poor bird, a Puritan like yourself. Once she sees that you too are capable of betrayal, she’ll feel much better. I guarantee it. Che modi. Such good manners.
PHIL
I suppose.
(Enter Nebula, with Mettie. Nebula climbs back to the bed. Mettie stands there.)
METTIE
Phil? What’s going one here?
(Phil jumps up, throws on his shirt and pants. Nebula and Giuseppe observe them as if it were a tennis match)
NEBULA
Be strong, as I know you can be.
METTIE
SHE knows your strength? And just how did that happen?
NEBULA
He showed me, how else?
METTIE
You’re here less than one day, and you are in bed with the BOTH of them?
PHIL
You started it.
METTIE
I did not. Who told you to come here spying on me?
PHIL
Spying? I was surprising you, spontaneous, romantic.Isn’t that what you want?
METTIE
From someone who knows how to do it.
PHIL
That’s not fair Mettie.
METTIE
Didn’t anyone ever tell you to knock before entering a room.
PHIL
I thought I had knocked. I mean, she went up and checked.
METTIE
I don’t mean literally, you big dope, I mean metaphorically.
GIUSEPPE
I love that name.
NEBULA
Better than mine?
GIUSEPPE
Never, caro, you know that.
PHIL
You and your damn metaphors. What you were doing with him was no figure of speech.
METTIE
Metaphors are not just verbal, Phil, they are living and breathing, at least they are to me, and what I was doing with him, well it was called making love.
PHIL
I know that.
METTIE
You have no idea what I am talking about.
PHIL
All I know is that I came here, I left work, and crossed an entire ocean to spend some nights with you, and you are otherwise engaged. So..
METTIE
So,
GIUSEPPE
Go, go on, share with her.
NEBULA
Yes, this is a good time
METTIE
Good time for what?
PHIL
For me to tell you, that thanks to you, I just had the most amazing experiences.
METTIE
What?
PHIL
Well, for starters, I was with…him
METTIE
You were what with him?
PHIL
You know.
METTIE
No I don’t know.
GIUSEPPE
Yes, you do know.
METTIE
No.
PHIL
Yes, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
GIUSEPPE
Grazie.
PHIL
I only did it so I could be with her.
METTIE
You slept with Giuseppe so you could sleep with Nebula?
PHIL
Yes. And I did, with both of them.
METTIE
That is so like a man.
PHIL
What do you mean.
METTIE
I mean, for once in my life, I break out, I do something completely wild, and you have to come here and outdo me? I hate that about you Phil, I really do. I used to make excuses for it. But no more. Get out of my sight.
PHIL
Calm down.
METTIE
I will not. You big show off. (She starts heaving things at him)
PHIL
Stop her.
NEBULA
Never, this is not boring Giuseppe, you’re my savior.
GIUSEPPE
I am at your service always, my muse.
METTIE
I am going to kill you Phil, and let’s see you try to top that one.
(She proceeds to try to catch him, but is prevented by Nebula and Giuseppe, who are enjoying this all immensely. It goes on for a little while until Giuseppe and Nebula take pity on Phil and throw a sheet over Mettie..)
GIUSEPPE
You should go my friend while you can.
PHIL
Go where? I was planning to stay here.
NEBULA
I’ll show you a room. Hang on to her, Giuseppe.This way, caro
(Exit Phil and Nebul Giuseppe takes the sheet off)
METTIE
He’s gone. You let him get away.
GIUSEPPE
It would do no one any good for you to kill him.
METTIE
You slept with him?
GIUSEPPE
I did. So now we have that in common.
METTIE
And then you and Nebula…
GIUSEPPE
Yes.
METTIE
Do you do this often?
GIUSEPPE
If by this, you mean have satisfying sexual relations with more than one person at a time, this answer is not often enough.
METTIE
That’s disgusting
GIUSEPPE
Why do you say that? It’s beautiful
METTIE
No it’s not.
GIUSEPPE
Have you tried it?
METTIE
Of course not.
GIUSEPPE
Then how do you know?
METTIE
I just know.
GIUSEPPE
That argument isn’t worthy of a woman of your intellect. Don’t let your fear speak for you.
METTIE
Well, it’s got to be, well it’s got to be a mess, I mean how do you know what goes where?
GIUSEPPE
Like all great art forms, one must practice.
METTIE
Not me, no thank you.
GIUSEPPE
I don’t think you should decide until you try it, at least once.
(Enter Nebula) And here is your chance now.
NEBULA
Chance for what?
GIUSEPPE
Nebula, mia galassia, I’m thinking it would be a fine chance for you, La Metafora, and me to enjoy one another while Phil rests. He IS resting I trust.
NEBULA
He was exhausted, poor dear. But I am not. So let us begin. Ready, la Metafora?
METTIE
Oh, no, I don’t think so. I couldn’t.
NEBULA
And why not? Do I repel you?
METTIE
No, no.. But, I’ve never been with a woman.
GIUSEPPE
You like being with me, I know that.
METTIE
I do.
GIUSEPPE
Nebula is a part of me, like my right arm. So you already have been with her.
METTIE
That is so crazy it makes some sense. But.. what will I tell Phil?
GIUSEPPE
Tell him the truth. This will make you closer.
METTIE
This sort of thing makes you closer?
NEBULA
Of course.
GIUSEPPE
Why else would we do it?
METTIE
Why else?
(Both gesture welcomingly to Mettie who shrugs and joins them in the bed.) BLACKOUT
SCENE SEVEN Mettie gets with Nebula
Opens with Mettie, Nebula and Giuseppe in bed some time later.
METTIE
Isn’t anyone going to offer me a cigarette?
NEBULA
You smoke?
METTIE
No.
NEBULA
Then why start now?
METTIE
I’ve seen both of you smoking.
NEBULA
AH but that was before.
METTIE
Before what?
GIUSEPPE
Before your beautiful husband requested we stop. We are now being hospitable to you.
METTIE
But this is where we smoke. I want a cigarette.
GIUSEPPE
You’ve been watching too many foreign movies. It’s not healthy for you.
METTIE
And this is?
GIUSEPPE
But of course. In every way. Did you not enjoy it?
NEBULA
I don’t think so.
GIUSEPPE
And why not?
NEBULA
She ignored me. I make you uncomfortable, don’t I?
METTIE
No, no…well yes. What do you expect? I’m not a lesbian.
NEBULA
Why do you concern yourself with pointless categories? I am a human, you are a human,
METTIE
You can’t tell me it doesn’t matter what gender your partner is. That’s ridiculous.
NEBULA
Are you calling me ridiculous?
METTIE
Yes. Yes I am. You’re ridiculous.
NEBULA
Giuseppe, do you hear that?
GIUSEPPE
I must go now.
NEBULA
GO? And avoid taking sides. I will make you pay for this.
GIUSEPPE
I will suffer gladly whatever punishments you administer, later. It will be far better than the torture of intervening in a battle of goddesses. Col suo congedo. I must check my email.
NEBULA
You have no idea how to check your email.
GIUSEPPE
Then I must leave to begin my instruction immediately.
(Exit Giuseppe)
NEBULA
Now that’s ridiculous.
METTIE
I have to agree.
NEBULA
Why can we not be friends?
METTIE
For starters, I’ve slept with your husband, and you’ve slept with mine.
NEBULA
That is the best argument I could make for a lasting sisterhood. What better to share?
METTIE
That is not what I came here for.
NEBULA
I know.
METTIE
You know?
NEBULA
You came here to Tuscany, to La Verna to experience the forbidden.
But here, what you find is that nothing is forbidden.
METTIE
It does take the fun out of it.
NEBULA
Do you not find me attractive?
METTIE
You’re beautiful. I have no problem admitting that.
NEBULA
And I find you alluring, in your American way.
METTIE
I am not sexually attracted to women.
NEBULA
But you enjoy sex.
METTIE
I would have thought that obvious.
NEBULA
You are through making babies, no?
METTIE
Long time past.
NEBULA
You enjoy sex. You are not making babies. What is the difference where your pleasure comes from?
METTIE
The difference is there IS no pleasure with another woman. It’s not something you can think yourself in or out of.
NEBULA
Think, think. You should stop thinking.
METTIE
Well, I’m trying my level best, Nebula. It’s easy enough for you to lay there and criticize.
NEBULA
I am not criticizing, La Metafora. I merely observe.
METTIE
I WISH I were attracted to women. I’ve wished that more than once. Do you know what it’s like to be married?
NEBULA
Of course, cara.
METTIE
No, not like you and Giuseppe. Like me and Phil. We are married. Married married.
We get along, we have great sex, we’re good friends. At least we were.
NEBULA
So why come here and make the apple cart upset?
METTIE
Because it was, at some level, profoundly boring.
NEBULA
I, too, know profound boredom.
METTIE
How could you be bored? You’re with men, women, different partners, you go and come as you please. You’re only obligation is to please yourself.
NEBULA
Cara, cara Don’t you see how we are the same? You have a perfect life, so do I. It’s boring.
METTIE
No one wants to hear me complain.
NEBULA
I have the same problem. Giuseppe, he thinks he can solve it,so he becomes sad when he can’t, and I don’t even try anymore to explain. I must live with it. You, at least, have taken a bold step. My choice made other choices impossible.
METTIE
It’s true. You can’t go back and be a virgin bride, can you?
NEBULA
No, I cannot. And I will never have babies
METTIE
You could adopt. You’re still young, you could get pregnant with all the advances this days.
NEBULA
Madre di dio . I don’t want actual babies. Actual babies hold no interest for me whatsoever. What saddens me is that I will never have metaphorical babies.
METTIE
This is philosophy, right? Some sort of intellectual point having to do with the other and the neither and I have no idea what you’re getting at. I’m so…so.. provincial. I can’t stand it. I will always be a…a… hick. (She starts to cry) I’ve wrecked my marriage, given up everything I’ve built and I can’t even figure out how to enjoy it. I’m pathetic. I can hear you now at your next ménage a trios, laughing at me..my peasant morality.
NEBULA
(comforting her)Now, now, La Metafora. You are adorable.
METTIE
No, I’m not. (More and more distraught)
NEBULA
Words will not convince you, cara. Let me show you how I feel. (Draws her to the bed)
METTIE
But.. but.
NEBULA
Shh. No more thinking. Come.
Mettie allows Nebula to embrace her. BLACKOUT.
SCENE EIGHT Nebula gets with Phil and Mettie
(The scene opens with Mettie and Nebula in bed, some time later. Phil runs in and jumps in without warning)
METTIE
Hey!
PHIL
Hey yourself. I hope you aren’t done. You’re done, aren’t you?
METTIE
Get out of here, Phil. You just don’t go jumping on people like that.
NEBULA
We’re done, cara, for now, but perhaps with a little rest.
METTIE
No.
PHIL
Aw, why not?
METTIE
What’s gotten into you, Phil?
PHIL
Maybe it’s what I’d like to get into.
METTIE
Stop being gross.
NEBULA
Gross? I don’t understand.
METTIE
What’s gross is that he’s horning in again.
PHIL
Good one.
METTIE
Now, stop it, honestly. PHIL… stop. I mean it.
NEBULA
He stopped.
METTIE
Men do, these days. At least a majority of them.
NEBULA
Or else they are kicked in the nuts.
METTIE
You heard about that.
NEBULA
I did. Giuseppe was impressed.
METTIE
Did Giuseppe send you up here?
PHIL
He didn’t have to. He just told me that the two of you were here, and…
METTIE
And…
PHIL
Well, I locked him in the downstairs bathroom, so I could get her first.
NEBULA
You were racing?
PHIL
Not exactly. I just didn’t want to take a chance on him ruining it.
METTIE
Ruining what?
PHIL
This.. my ultimate fantasy… two women and me.
METTIE
That’s one of your favorites?
NEBULA
Of course it is.
METTIE
You got to know him pretty fast.
NEBULA
I don’t have to know him. Men like to think of having more than one woman simultaneously. The harem, twins.
METTIE
No, it’s not a surprise about men. But Phil?
PHIL
Why not me?
METTIE
You just never mentioned it.
PHIL
Not in so many words.
METTIE
What, am I supposed to be a mind reader?
PHIL
No, I didn’t say that.
METTIE
And what if I did know. Did you honestly expect that I’d DO something about it? Invite a friend or two over??? Start some kind of swingers club? Honestly.
PHIL
So you see why I ran up here.
METTIE
What makes you think you’re going to get to do it now?
PHIL
Because it’s been that kind of a visit.
METTIE
It has.
PHIL
So you’ll let me?
NEBULA
Why not? You’ve tried everything else.
METTIE
No I haven’t. No WE haven’t.
PHIL
What have we missed?
METTIE
I haven’t been with more than one man. So, I’ll make you a deal. If it’s all right with Nebula.
NEBULA
It’s all right,
METTIE
But I haven’t told you yet.
NEBULA
As I said, it’s all right.
PHIL
What’s the deal?
METTIE
You can join us on one condition. When we get done, Nebula goes off to let Giuseppe out of the bathroom, and it’s my turn to have two.
PHIL
Giuseppe?
METTIE
Who else?
PHIL
Well, OK. Deal.
NEBULA
Deal. Jump in.
(Phil joins with with alacrity. ) Blackout.
SCENE NINE Giuseppe gets with Phil and Mettie
(Opens with Phil and Mettie by themselves. Giuseppe enters suddenly.)
METTIE
Hey.
GIUSEPPE
La Metafora, it is a pleasure as always. Filippo, it was not kind of you to lock me in that bathroom.
PHIL
I had to, Giuseppe, I just did.
GIUSEPPE
I understand. And I forgive.
METTIE
You do?
GIUSEPPE
It is a man’s dream, no? Such lovely creatures. You enjoyed yourself.
PHIL
Definitely.
METTIE
It was OK.
PHIL
Only OK?
METTIE
No offense to you dear, but watching you and Nebula isn’t my idea of a good time
PHIL
You could have stepped in any time.
METTIE
Oh, like at a dance? May I cut in? Really, Phil. Honestly, if it weren’t for Nebula I would have felt like a complete voyeur.
PHIL
Hmm..
METTIE
Oh great. No. Not happening. Don’t even think it.
GIUSEPPE
You are still throwing up roadblocks, la Metaphora.
METTIE
I can’t help it. He just makes me so mad.
PHIL
It’s the way you take it.
GIUSEPPE
So let the shoe go on the other foot.
METTIE
Yes indeed. Come here, Giuseppe. I’ll make my point.
(Giuseppe climbs into bed) BLACKOUT.
SCENE TEN To each his own
Four monologues. Each person is on stage, they take turns
METTIE
I wasn’t allowed to, you know touch myself. It was never talked about, and we just didn’t do it. Even if I’d wanted to, I wouldn’t have told you how to begin. I read a great deal, but no matter what book I read, even the dirty ones we passed around, orgasms were never really described. It was always, point of ecstasy or climax, or even she came, if that. Mostly it was gentle reader let us draw the curtain. Now what practical advice can one glean from that?
PHIL
Spanking the monkey
NEBULA
I have five older brothers and two older sisters. There was NOTHING I didn’t know before I was five. . My parents, well, where they found the energy to lift a finger, I don’t know, but there were very few nights when there wasn’t a loud rhythmic squeaking and cries coming from my parents room. The first time I heard it. I worried, but my oldest sister, she laughed and laughed. Mom and Dad are talking, she told me.
For at least a month I wouldn’t open my mouth.
GIUSEPPE
Beating your meat.
METTIE
One day in gym class, it was third grade, oh I recall it very clearly, I was climbing the ropes. You remember the ropes- Long thick hairy cables bolted to the ceiling , dropping straight down to the mats. We were expected to shinny up them, as far as we could go. And good little girl that I was, I was determined to reach the ceiling and touch it.
PHIL
Answering the bone a phone.
NEBULA
I was introduced to orgasm quite early. There was a club, and I so wanted to be in it. My next oldest sister was the president of it – think of the child raised by Machievelli, the Marquis de Sade and Perle Mesta, and you have my sister. She’s gone on to a great career in bond trading, by the way Anyhow, it was called the Tub Club, and its main function was to take baths naked with someone else. I wanted to be in that club so badly, even before I found out what the name meant. .
GUISEPPE
Fondling the fig.
METTIE
So there I was, furiously working my way up the rope, hand over hand, moving every muscle in my legs from ankle to thigh, when all of a sudden, the most incredible feeling emanated from my crotch , spreading outward to every fiber of my being. I hung on, but I’ve often wondered how many young girls have fallen to their death at just such a moment.
PHIL
Juggling the javelin
NEBULA
I begged and begged my sister, and she told me I could join it only if I could keep a secret, and that she’d give me a test. I promised everything if only I could take the test-that I would NEVER tell Mommy and Daddy and that she could trust me forever.
GUISEPPE
Mangling the midget.
METTIE
After that, I did whatever I could to repeat that feeling. I knew, somehow, it was private, so I never asked anyone. Unfortunately, the ropes unit ended shortly after my epiphany, and that avenue was closed. So I made do with what I could- hanging on doors, the columns in the basement. It wasn’t an incessant occupation, I’ve always been moderate.
But it was regular, and very satisfying.
PHIL
Rounding up the tadpoles
NEBULA
The test was simple. I had to take a bath and rub myself between the legs until “Something happened” She wouldn’t be more specific than that. She just told me I’d know. Did I ever.. It’s an unmistakeable sensation-she did well not to try to describe it. Within months, I was one of the most popular members of the Tub Club.
GUISEPPE
Cleaning the rifle.
METTIE
I went on that way for quite a long while, happily seeking and finding rope substitutes- you’d be amazed at how many there are- thinking myself abstinent. But one day, in the bedroom of my first serious boyfriend’s parents (who had conveniently gone out for the day) I was well on the way to losing what I thought would be my virginity, when all of a sudden I had the same feeling that I’d gotten on the ropes all those long years ago. The poor boy must have been puzzled- for I went completely rigid. Oh my god, I said to myself. All these years, I’ve been masturbating! I excused myself and went home to think.
PHIL
Doodling the noodle.
NEBULA
The Tub Club ended with a move to a different, less sanitary neighborhood, and my sisters pre-occupation with organizing her own love life. I literally dreamed about it –actual unbidden dreams would come to me. To this day, I have the very useful ability
to dream myself to climax. I’ve never been desperate in my life, it’s some sort of regulatory thing, I guess.
GUISEPPE
Wrestling the eel.
METTIE
I had to decide if what I had been doing was a bad thing or not, and I came to the healthy conclusion that it was just fine. Don’t ask me why. I just did. It took me a while longer to figure out how to masturbate manually, but I eventually did. It’s much simpler, and far more to the point.
PHIL
Pounding the flounder, beating the bishop, cranking the shank
GUISEPPE
Burping the worm, buttering the corn, choking the chicken
PHIL
Drubbing the dolphin, fetching the bagel dog, humping the hose, jiggling the jewelry
GUISEPPE
Pumping the python, roping the pony, slammin the salami, throttling the bottle
PHIL and GUISEPPE (alternating, faster and faster)
Tussling the muscle, whacking the bag, waxing the Jackson, shlackin the glacknoid, bludgeoning the beefsteak, jerking the gherkin Knocking the top off, galloping the antelope, buffing the banana, draining the dragon, (etc- this can go on, as long as it needs to!,there appears to be an infinite number of euphemisms for this act) whoever decides to end it does with ) Dating Miss Michigan.
NEBULA
So typical.
METTIE
Honestly.
PHIL
What’s to talk about?
GUISEPPE
You expected analysis?
Blackout
SCENE ELEVEN: Phil and Metaphora and Guiseppe and Nebula, all in the room together.
GIUSEPPE
So, are you planning to see much of Italy while you’re here, Filippo?
NEBULA
You should get to the south if you can. It’s so, so pagan there. The train ride is glorious.
GIUSEPPE
No. No. Rent a car- a Maserati, to be sure. The roads are primitive, but that adds to the thrill.
NEBULA
But the gas mileage is very poor.
GIUSEPPE
True.
NEBULA
And you never ask directions.
GIUSEPPE
And you can’t read a map.
NEBULA
Remember the time we were lost at midnight in Sorrento? You wouldn’t believe the stubbornness. He would not stop and confer.
GIUSEPPE
I didn’t need to.
PHIL
Stop! Stop it. (as Mettie starts to laugh with an hysterical edge)
NEBULA
What is it, caro?
GIUSEPPE
La Metafora? You laugh?
PHIL
Look at us, listen to you! What are you talking about?
NEBULA
Driving to the south.
PHIL
My god- I have just broken every sexual taboo ….
GUISEPPE
Every? Hardly.
PHIL
I’m sorry, Giuseppe-, it’s all I can think of, and you two sit here fighting like an old married couple.
METTIE
Yes, yes, that’s it. If I wanted to have that conversation, I could have stayed back in the US with Phil and saved all this fuss.
NEBULA
What fuss?
METTIE
You’re ruining everything..Everything.
GIUSEPPE
I see- this is your Italian Idyll- - your escape from the normal, and the moral. It’s understandable. Isn’t it, cara?
NEBULA
Oh so completely, cara. So completely.
METTIE
I don’t see how you can understand at all, you’re too, too sophisticated, too, too European.
(At this both Guiseppe and Nebula start laughing)
NEBULA
Too European?
PHIL
What’s so funny about that?
GIUSEPPE
What makes you think I’m European?
PHIL
Everything.
METTIE
You’re not?
NEBULA
He’s as European as I am..
PHIL
You’re not?
GIUSEPPE
Forgive them, darling, they’re like puppies.
PHIL
What are you then?
GIUSEPPE
I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world. But if you ask me who won the World Series in 1969, I could tell you.
PHIL
No.
GIUSEPPE
Or the Superbowl of 1972.
PHIL
My god. An American.
GIUSEPPE
(sings) I’m just an Okie from Muskogee.
PHIL
It’s a nightmare.
METTIE
I suppose you can recite the theme song to Gilligan’s Island.
NEBULA
A three hour tour, a three hour tour
METTIE
I was joking.
NEBULA
I am not.
METTIE
This is beyond awful.
GIUSEPPE
Why does it matter?
METTIE
I don’t know.
PHIL
You, you lied.
GIUSEPPE
Never.
PHIL
This attitude of freedom and live for the moment- you’re not different at all, you’re
GIUSEPPE
the same..
METTIE
Yes.
NEBULA
Cara, Caro, this is not so big a deal. If perhaps Giuseppe once was a little American cowboy and maybe I spent my childhood on Army bases, how does that affect what we are to you?
METTIE
It just does.
NEBULA
You and Phil think far too much for your own good. Is that not so, Giuseppe?
GIUSEPPE
I agree completely. Stop thinking about what it means, and how it’s supposed to look and sink into the moment. Come, come enjoy our time together.
(He leads Metaphora, and Nebula beckons to Phil, and they all get back into the bed together) Blackout
SCENE TWELVE Mettie and Phil, alone at last.
(Opens with the four in bed)
GIUSEPPE
There now, was that so bad?
METTIE
Bad? Yes it WAS bad,
PHIL
Very bad.
NEBULA
Which is good.
METTIE
Yes.
PHIL
But…
GIUSEPPE
Oh, no.
NEBULA
This is painful.
GIUSEPPE
The inevitable
NEBULA
The boring
GUISEPPE
The necessary
NEBULA
The obligatory
METTIE
Stop stop. What are you talking about.
GIUSEPPE
The aftermath.
PHIL
I didn’t even say anything.
NEBULA
You said but. And we know the rest.
METTIE
I don’t.
PHIL
I don’t think I do either.
(During the following, Giuseppe and Nebula proceed to get dressed for going out, and by the time they’re done, they head out the door. Phil and Mettie watch from the bed in a stunned silence.)
NEBULA
But now what?
GIUSEPPE
But who do you like the best?
NEBULA
But what will we do tonight?
GIUSEPPE
But what will the children think?
NEBULA
But what will our parents think?
GIUSEPPE
But what will the neighbors think?
NEBULA
But what do I think?
GIUSEPPE
That’s good.
NEBULA
Did we just make a mistake?
GIUSEPPE
Or sin?
NEBULA
Or commit a crime?
GIUSEPPE
Or break a law?
NEBULA
Was that fun?
GIUSEPPE
Or was it me thinking I should be having fun?
NEBULA
It’s tiresome, what you’ll be going through. I don’t envy you the experience.
GIUSEPPE
I don’t know about that. The first time, it was emotional, dramatic…I knew I was living.
NEBULA
The first time, maybe. But it wears thin, quickly. And with these two, Madonna, they’ll find a way not to see the beauty in the confusion.
GIUSEPPE
And I don’t want to see that. Happily, I have to meet an agent in Milan, and if we leave now, we’ll get there three hours late.
NEBULA
Perfect.
METTIE
You’re going, right now.
GIUSEPPE
Any earlier would have made me seem too eager. Andiamo, Nebula, I promise not to get lost.
NEBULA
Because I will be driving.
GIUSEPPE
Exactimento
(Exit GIUSEPPE and NEBULA. METTIE and PHIL are left alone. They sit at the edge of the bed, feet hanging over, not really looking at each other, not touching. Each one starts to speak and thinks better of it. Eventually, Phil starts.)
(More silence)
PHIL
I was only planning to surprise you.
METTIE
You certainly did.
(More silence)
PHIL
Mettie, what just happened here?
METTIE
I don’t know.
PHIL
I mean what was that?
METTIE
Good question.
PHIL
Hmm.
METTIE
Hmmm.
PHIL
Are you mad that I came?
METTIE
(Laughing) Hardly.
PHIL
Be serious.
METTIE
That’s a strange request, considering.
PHIL
I guess.
METTIE
Well.
PHIL
Well, well.
METTIE
Well, well, well.
(She reaches out her hand, and Phil reaches over and puts his over hers.)
(Black out)
End of Part 2 (The Labyrinth)
