FORBIDDEN VALLEY SIX: The UNCIVIL WAR YEAR
(My Favorite Things)
(open with piano vamp, singers enter one by one)
CHRIS
Cars on the rampage and walkers in danger
Gone are the days when no one was a stranger
Civic prosperity comes with some strings
This is the news that a sorry year brings
PAM
No more can we go to Schnitzel for streudel
Attempts to stem taxes are proving quite futile
Balcony breaks, student doesn’t grow wings
That is the news that a wretched year brings
BB
Hospitals closing and DA’s still missing
This year was not great for fond reminiscing
That is the way that the pendulum swings
That is the news that a crummy year brings
ALL
But we’ll transcend
Every bad trend
Cause that’s just how we roll
We won’t be disheartened, we’ll let the year end
And on to next year, we’ll stroll
Welcome to the sixth annual End of the Year Review Revue, a lackadaisical, haphazard and local look at 2006. We are a happy valley, everyone knows this, we have t-shirts that proclaim us to be so, and we are downright proud of our happiness. There is a little known local ordinance on the books, one that never usually has to be enforced, that prohibits … I have the exact wording here…excessive griping, grumbling, or grousing, except at those times when the parking meters are not in operation on Allen Street, and or moving in weekend at PSU.
But the past year has been one which we must describe, although it pains us to be anything less than unrepentantly chipper, as unsettling. There were ARGUMENTS! ACCUSATIONS! ALLEGATIONS! and all around AGGRAVATION! Civility was at a premium, and even then, you had to claw someone’s eyes out to get it.
A look towards the campus provided little or no comfort. Deans fleeing in droves. Students packed like little Pennsylvania sardines into dorm-like cans. Joe Pa battered from without and within, driving him from the sidelines of our beloved Lions, who were neither bad enough nor good enough to make anyone care except the usual hundred thousand or so.
And one of the most gripping, painful, and persistent arguments has been about the renovation… of this very show. Yes, what to do about FORBIDDEN VALLEY? For the past five years, we have only had one show in January. But our board of directors, which said it was getting input, but YOU didn’t get invited to a meeting about it now did you???? You probably didn’t even know there WAS a board of directors that you could have voted for, if you paid attention to your responsibilities as a citizen. This board decided in its infinite wisdom that we should have TWO shows, one in January, and one in July. Where’s the research??? Who allowed this very important decision to be made without adequate consultation with the community?? So what if the community doesn’t really know that much about the very complex operations of presenting a dinner theatre. According to this imperial board, drunk with power, the show is growing, along with the town, and well, one show a year just isn’t enough to keep up with the events in order to be state of the art satire, we need to be timely.
A determined group of dissenters took a stand. They have called themselves Stop the Forbidden Valley Revision. This band of patriots has a high hope that it won’t be too late to foil this foolish, and expensive restructuring. After all, who wants to pay TWICE for all this sarcasm?? Once a year, they say, is plenty.
And so the unabated debate inflames the irate, with no end date- What to do? Well, in the words of the old song, when can’t go round it, and you can’t go over it, and you can’t go under it, you gotta go through it. Brace yourselves… and welcome to FORBIDDEN VALLEY VI: The Uncivil War Year.
(Bloody Mary, South Pacific)
ALL
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
CHRIS
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here then, boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad.
BB
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
If you’re rude then we get mad.
PAM
Life is a game here,and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
If you lose that’s just too bad.
STACY
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
But some of us wear plaid.
There was one open meeting to discuss the renovation of FORBIDDEN VALLEY earlier this year. It was held at 5AM on a Monday morning in a location that has yet to be revealed, and even so.. 3 million members of Stop Forbidden Valley Revision showed up to speak. The meeting was limited by Forbidden Valley statute to a duration of one hour, so each resident was allotted 2 ten thousands of a minute to speak. That was taped by CNET, and can only be viewed with a special tool still being invented by the military scientists under contract at PSU’s nanofacilities network. In addition 15,981,346 emails and hand written comments were collected under Forbidden Valley VI ACT .11. I will share an anonymous sampling.
Dear FV: I AM TOTALLY AGAINST the split,… change is bad. Isn’t is bad enough that darn International Astronomy Union downdgraded Pluto?
Hmm, maybe that was the root of all this year’s disturbing news. What if Pluto was our ruling planet?
What’s ruling us now?
IGod bless the child)
BB
Them that’s got shall get
Them that’s not shall lose
So the IAU says, and it makes the news
Neptune may have, and Venus may have
But god help the orb with no cleared zone
Yes the strong have a core
And their pull won’t fade
And their neighborhood
Really makes the grade
Jupiter may have, and Mercury may have
But god help the orb with no clear zone.
Pluto you have tiny entities
In your region galore
When your gravitational pull ends
They don’t orbit you anymore.
Bigger planets have
A cleaner neighborhood
And their shape is round
And that’s very gooEarth may have and Mercury may have
But god help the orb with no clear zone
Saturn may have and Mars may have
But god help Pluto, it’s on its own.
As a trans-Neptunian object
It will be known.
Here’s another:
DEAR FV- CHANGE is good. I trust the people who decide things in Forbidden Valley. Because they’re smart and kind and good. Not like those politicians!
Right, first Pluto, then politics.. The political scene went kablooey. Widespread pessimism, voter disillusionment, throwing out the bums we know in favor of the other bums we know, and most of us hoping against hope that civility, reason and common sense will emerge from all the bumminess.. And what is the conduit of the people’s will? That’s right, voting machines that are less versatile first cousins to the machines that get you your MTO’s (Made to orders) AND a receipt at the convenience store.
(Happy Trails)
PAM
Some elections reds will win,
STACY
Others the blue
BB
It’s the way you figure the votes that count
CHRIS
But here’s what we won’t do
ALL
Paper trails are through, so long push pin and pen
Paper trails are through, on the touch screen we depend.
Don’t worry that our votes will count for nuffin
Deiboldt never fails on our Sheetz Shmuffin.
Paper trails are through, the computer is our friend
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
I am writing to express myself. Why all this fuss about Forbidden Valley. While you blather - The Governor has put the Pennsylvania Turnpike on the market!! How could you worry about anything else???
How could we?
(My Way Frank Sinatra
STACY
By now, it’s very clear
PA Roads are really hurtin
And repairs are very dear
And money’s tight, oh that’s for certain
Infrastructure is a mess
Trucks and cars on every byway
And most need big repairs,
Please buy a highway.
Potholes, there’s quite a few
And broken guide rails, must we mention?
And we have to pay each construction crew
And don’t forget their hefty pension
New funds Rendell must find
A fuel tax would be a sly way
But no, he likes his job
He’ll sell the high way
Yes, there are these, even a queue
Who will kiss a lot of cash adieu
A foreign firm, a local group
Upon the turnpike soon will swoop
And spend the loot, to rent the route
And buy the high way.
DEAR FV: I don’t know what to think. Maybe the renovation is good, maybe it’s bad. Maybe it’s good AND bad.
Maybe it’s like affordable housing? The good part about it is that it’s affordable, and the bad part, well nothing that a few well placed forsythia bushes can’t fix
(Nowhere to Run)
BB
Plantings are useful
Plantings can hide
Something that you’re ashamed of
Plantings can hide.
It’s not poor folk
We’re runnin from
It’s their trailers
That we want to shun
Cause you know
They’re not nice to see
But there’s a plan
That’s practically free
Everywhere you look
Yellow blossoms there’ll be
Forsythias grow
Quite high you see
Plantings are useful
Plantings can hide
Something that you’re ashamed of
Plantings can hide
We know it’s
Not good to say
But we wish the trailers
Would go away.
Each time as we pass
We long for ornamental grass
Low cost housing , why reveal it
When topiary can conceal it?
When we look in the rearview
As we drive by
We see barberries
Could be growing sky high
DEAR FV- Maybe if you ran FV like Penn State, then EVERYTHING would be fine. Signed, Graham Spanier.
Oh really? Then why are all the deans fleeing?
Who let the deans out? WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO?v(Repeat)
Are we no longer lovable?? Why are they not staying 50 years? Is something in the air??
(Good Vibrations)
CHRIS
They,they are free of the “we are” cheer
And the way that sunlight plays upon Old Main
They saw the worth of another job
And we wonder what it is they hoped they’d gain
We’re picking up resignations
Administrative relocation
We’re picking up resignations
Administrative relocation.
Too too too much resignation
Too too much resignation
Where?
They’re someplace different now
SO it goes, we guess we wish them well
When we see that they are gone
We go drifting to the search committee world
We’re picking up resignation..
Administrative relocation.
Too too much resignation
Is there one cause for this migration?
We don’t care, we have deans to spare.
No need for consternation
There’s no need for very much cogitation
Who cares what’s driving them thither?
Even the long lived coaches were having their woes.. Renee Portand, when accused of discrimination only admit that she doesn’t like losers.
(Girls Just Want to Have Fun)
PAM
When they lose in the BJC night
Renee screams when you gonna run that pick right
She likes it better when the team has won
But girls, find some boys to have fun,
Oh girls please find boys for your fun
Journalists call Renee in the middle of the night
Lawyers ask when you gonna treat your girls right?
Oh they would lay off if we were number one
Girls please find boys for your fun
It’s simple: girls find some boys for your fun
That’s all she really wants
Some fun
When the basketball game is done
Why don’t you girls all find boys for your fun?
Would Renee really take a talented wench
And make her sit out the game on the bench?
If she hits three, that’s job number one.
Why care what she does for her fun?
AH Renee, just let her have fun.
And the Lions, our dear Lions Morelli, Morelli!! Anthony,you’re killin us!
(I’m Moving Out)
STACY
Anthony plays on the football team
Dreaming of NFL Sunday
Coach Jay Paterno put a note on his wrist
It read
Sonny throw long for a pass play
Waiting too long brings on a
Vicious sackackackack ack
You ought to know by now
The offense line will not protect the quarterback
Concussions are not very funny.
And it seems like a waste of time
If tight ends mess up the route
Mama, if they drop one more pass, then I’m three and out.
I’m three and out..
This year Posluszny was roaming the field
A very ferocious defender
He worked at sending opposition
Players off of their feet
Direct to the Medical Center
He’ll be trading in his Chevy
For a Cadillacacacacac
In the NFL next year
So who is gonna drive
Other team back?
The story looks like no happy ender.
And it seems like a waste of time
If no tight are about
Mama, if they drop one more pass, then I’m three and out.
I’m three and out..
Will we ever win another national
Championshipipipipip?
No one can say right now.
You can’t go wrong with this little tip
It’s better to complete your passes.
Cause if that’s what you have in mind
If winning’s what you’re all about
Connect with the bomb, or you’re
Three and out.
Mmm, I’m three and out out. Ooh-hoo, uh-huh, mmmm
I'm three and out.
AND THEN JOE!! JOE!!
CHRIS
Clap your hands everybody
If you got what it takes
I’m Paterno Joe and I want you to know
That these are the breaks!
Breaks of my calf, breaks of my thigh
Breaks that made me moan and sigh
Breaks on the field, breaks at the game
Breaks that made me really lame,
Well these are the breaks!
Break my leg, break my leg, break my leg!
Penn State went out on the road
(That’s the breaks, that’s the breaks!)
That’s the day I got K-O’d!
(That’s the breaks, that’s the breaks!)
With the helmet of some lout
My left leg got taken out!
I got carted off the field
Three months ‘til I finally healed!
Sebastianelli operated
Then it rehabilitated!
Well these are the breaks
Break my leg, break my leg, break my leg!
To the nurse in brown, stop messing around!
(Break my leg, break my leg)
To the nurse in blue, whatcha gonna do?
To the nurse in green, don’t be so mean,
To the nurse in red, say what I said
Break down! Ow! Ow! Ow!
BUT who cares, intestinal flu has nothing on intestinal fortitude and in the end, that’s what counts.
(To the tune of Oom Pah Pah from Oliver)
PAM
There’s a little rally we go to in the valley
On Saturdays in autumn, inclement or clear
With a little patience your own imaginations
Will tell you just exactly for whom we do cheer
ALL
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
He may be old
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
Seats still get sold
PAM
Why does fan loyalty never grow cold?
ALL
Could it be Joe Pah Pah?
BB
Was it a somewhat good year,or just a somewhat bad year?
The glass may be half empty or maybe half full.
The tailgaters will party, all uniformly hearty
No matter what the score is, for the Lions we pull
ALL
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
He may be old
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
Seats still get sold
BB
y does fan loyalty never grow cold?
ALL
Could it be Joe Pah Pah?
CHRIS
Notre Dame did shame us, the Buckeye rather tamed us
The Wolverines were nasty, Wisconsin was too.
But playing teams like Temple, winning was quite simple
Victories mean bowl games, and we won’t poo poo.
ALL
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
He may be old
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
Seats still get sold
CHRIS
Why does fan loyalty never grow cold?
ALL
Could it be Joe Pah Pah?
. Oh by the way… there was a little flap over State High... maybe you heard about it .
(Johnny B.Good )
CHRIS/PAM:
C
Deep down in the borough close to Atherton,
Shining on the Parkway, in the morning sun
F
You will see two buildings, one is south, one north
C
Where the students have to travel back and forth
G
Both of them are old and really not so cool
C
So why don’t we get ourselves a brand new school?
CHORUS:
C
Go! Go school board go, go! Go schoolboard go,
F C
go! Go schoolboard go, go! Go schoolboard go,
G7 C
Go -- build a new school.
(TO “STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE” -- Am)
(STACY/BB):
STOP! We don’t like your plan
You’re gonna break the bank (piano break)
Schoolboard schoolboard, we’re aware of what you’ve done
Behind your meeting door
We watch you thinking you’ve got us beat
Thinking we can’t bring on the heat
But this time before you force your will
Leaving us to pay the bill
(Think it over) After we have said our fill
(Think it over) Don’t you think it’s time to chill?
STOP! We don’t like your plan
You’re gonna break the bank
STOP! We don’t like your plan
You’re gonna break the bank
Think it over
Think it over (Back to Johnny Be Good)
CHRIS/PAM:
First we all agreed, it’s a good time to build
Just one brand-new building will be happily filled
But the voters told us a new plan to make
This is our best judgment so give us a break
People are unhappy but they’re wrong to be
The building will be perfect just you wait and see.
(Repeat Chorus)
STACY/BB:
(BACK TO “STOP,” First ending:)
STOP! We don’t like your plan
You’re gonna break the bank
STOP! We don’t like your plan
You’re gonna break the bank
We’ve known of your
Your secluded nights
You think we’re gonna
Just give up our rights?
Why rush to make a renovation
What we want is more deliberation
This time before you tell the State
That the expansion can’t wait
(Think it over) Haven’t we elected you?
(Think it over) Can’t you do what we want you to?
OVERLAP PARTS HERE, REPEAT THREE TIMES:
BB/STACY:
STOP! We don’t like your plan
You’re gonna break the bank
STOP! We don’t like your plan
You’re gonna break the bank
Think it over
Think it over
CHRIS/PAM:
Both our buildings old and really not so cool
So why don’t we get ourselves a brand new school?
Go! Go schoolboard go!
Go! Go schoolboard go!
Build a new school
Build a new school
A F#m7
Just a classroom to learn history
Bm7 E7
Just a lab to learn biology
A F#m7
Just some funding for a science book
Bm7 E7
And so we can say, “French four we took!”
A D
So while grownups make a hullabaloo
A D
Kids are getting such a ringside view
E A
Of what a blunderful world it can be.
(Repeat Verse Changes)
Don’t learn much about civility
Don’t learn much about comity
Don’t learn much about politesse
We just learn to make a public mess
And we learn that when we disagree
The biggest bully has a shouting spree
What a blunderful world this can be
BRIDGE:
E7 A
We’d all like to be A Students
E7 A
But what we’re learning to be
B7
Is how to be street fighters baby
Bm7 E7
It’s a sorry sight to see.
Just a classroom to learn history
Just a lab to learn biology
Just some funding for a science book
And so we can say, “French four I took!”
But we do know that we’d like it right
Is there any way to end this fight?
SO a wonderful school it can be?
Clearly the local citizenry needs help in solving this thorny civic debate. So we here at Forbidden Valley make our recommendation- we have chosen the solution that makes the best song parody.
“Bridge Over Westerly Parkway”
CHRISWhen you’re late for class
In the hall
A teacher’s in your face
There’s no time to stall
The other side (of the street)
You have to reach
But traffic’s all around
Like a Bridge Over Westerly Parkway
I will lay me down
Like a Bridge Over Westerly Parkway
I will lay me down
When you’re dealing drugs
When you’re on the street
And cops keep driving by
I will shelter you
I’ll keep you safe
When darkness falls
And you are terrified
Like a Bridge Over Westerly Parkway
I will help you hide
Like a Bridge Over Westerly Parkway
I will help you hide
Sail on S.U.V.
Sail on by
No kids to slow you down
You can really fly
You’re on the board (of the school)
And you don’t have time
To stop at crossing lines
Like a Bridge Over Westerly Parkway
I will ease your mind
Like a Bridge Over Westerly Parkway
I will ease your mind
Enough of the hand wringing. You can’t keep a good Valley down.
BOTTLE POP Round (To be led by us)
We Won A Bowl.. Volunteers were smoked.
State Theatre had an opening (3X)
Opening was fun
Our flubs stayed off the internet, internet internet
(repeat)
You gotta love You Tube.
And so ends another year! Out with this old, snarky one, and in with the new!
(Bloody Mary, South Pacific)
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here then, boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad.
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
If you’re rude then we get mad.
Life is a game here,and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
If you lose that’s just too bad.
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
But some of us wear plaid.
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
