FV3: THIRD TIME'S THE SMARM
FORBIDDEN VALLEY III: Third Times the Smarm
Welcome to the third First Night End of the Year Review Revue, a lackadaisical, haphazard and local look at 2003 to be known hereafter as Forbidden Valley Three: Third Times the Smarm. Smarm, as defined by an Internet site of no particular distinction is: excessive but superficial compliments given with affected charm. So settle back and prepare to enjoy an over-the-top, yet shallow accolade to the quiet yet exciting, rustic yet sophisticated, traditional yet forward thinking, old-fashioned yet modern, naïve yet knowing, modest yet saucy, region in which we are pleased, honored, and thrilled to reside: Happy Valley.
(To the tune of Bloody Mary from South Pacific)
Happy Valley is the place we live
ALL Happy Valley is the place we live
Happy Valley is the place we live
And that just makes us glad.
STEPH If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad
SHAUN You could move here, we won’t tell you no
You could move here, we won’t tell you no
You could move here, we won’t tell you no
And bring your mom and dad.
ELAINE East streets go south here and the West go north
East streets go south here and the West go north
East streets go south here and the West go north
And that might drive you mad
SHOFFNERS They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
But some of us wear plaid!
ALL Happy Valley is the place we live,
Happy Valley is the place we live
Happy Valley is the place we live
And that just makes us glad
So, just what do we love to love about our fair valley? I mean how do we cheer ourselves up as we contemplate. hard water, limestone sink holes, and the good possibility that our basements emanate radon? Why we consider our favorite things.
(to the tune of My Favorite Things- from the SOUND of MUSIC)
STEPH and ELAINE First Night in winters and Arts Fest in summers
After game showboating PSU drummers
All of our house trash picked up with no strings
These are a few of our favorite things.
Creamery ice cream and crisp autumn weather
Big hunks of scrapple evoking shoe leather
Students who guzzle down beer with hot wings
These are a few of our favorite things.
Girls in white pants with blue paws on their faces
Game lands and farmlands, our wide-open spaces
Silver-haired grandmas with wicked golf swings
These are a few of our favorite things
Let the winds blow
Let the cars slow
Let the sidewalks freeze
We simply remember our favorite things
And then we know life’s a breeze.
We also love how orderly and neat we are, most of us anyhow.
(to the tune of If you’re happy and you know it)
(Each person comes in with “their verse” at the end of everyone else’s)
ALL If their front lawn is unsightly, slap a fine
If their front lawn is unsightly slap a fine
If their front lawn is unsightly and they’re not mowing it nightly,
If their front lawn is unsightly, slap a fine
STEPH If their dogs are running freely, turn them in, slap a fine
If their dogs are running freely, turn them in, slap a fine
If their dogs are running freely and to complaints they say big deally
If their dogs are running freely, turn them in, slap a fine
ELAINE If their snow they do not shovel, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
If their snow they do not shovel, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
If their snow they do not shovel and icy sidewalks frame their hovel
If their snow they do not shovel make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
SHOFFNERS If they park where there’s no parking, use the club, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
If they park where there’s no parking, use the club, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
If they park where there’s no parking, For the signs they are not marking,
If they park where there’s no parking, use the club, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
If their parties are too noisy, call the cops, use the club, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
SHAUN If their parties are too noisy, call the cops, use the club, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
If their parties are too noisy and you wish they’d move to Boise
If their parties are too noisy, call the cops, use the club, make them pay, turn them in, slap a fine
Slap a fine, turn them in, make them pay ,use the club, call the cops!
And speaking of love, J Lo and Ben could take a page from the love Graham Spanier has for Napster. You won’t see Dr. Spanier leaving Napster in tears, after spending a wild bachelor evening at a gentleman’s club, or Napster “losing” a three million dollar pink contract… diamond… down the drain at a washroom at the Nittany Lion Inn, no siree. Now if only the students would feel the love as well.
SHAUN (to the tune of Lean On Me)
Sometimes in our lives,
We want to hear our favorite artists,
But now there are rules,
Breaking them is not the smartest.
Download fee,
Nnow it’s not wrong Penn State is your friend,
It will help you get that song
For it won’t be long, til yourstudent fees,
Are sent right to Napster
Please, obey this decree
If you have tunes you want to “borrow”
For if you burn them for free
You’ll be facing big fines tomorrow.
Download fee,
Nnow it’s not wrong Penn State is your friend,
It will help you get that song
For it won’t be long, til yourstudent fees,
Are sent right to Napster
So just pay it to Napster
When you want a song
Penn State sends your money to Napster.
It solves them a big problem
So help them along
Penn State sends your money to Napster.
But Napster isn’t the only thing they love at Penn State. Someone must love to put up buildings, because they keep on doing it.
STEPH S.
(To the tune of Happiness Is, from Charlie Brown)
Happiness is campus expansion
Building new buildings
All of the time
Happiness is major endowments
Spending those gifts to the very
Last dime
Happiness is conveying this need
To a wealthy alum
And happiness is when donations
Come
Happiness is one brand new Creamery
Food science building
And forestry
Happiness is ten building projects
All at the same time
None of them free
Happiness is being so cramped
The campus is gridlocked
And happiness is when the
Streets are blocked.
Happiness is constant construction
Daytime and nighttime too
For happiness is any kind of edifice
At all
Built for PSU.
Happiness is a giant overpass
That’s filled with classrooms
And the odd loo
Happiness is 110,000 in seats of blue
And happiness is a sports museum too
Happiness is constant construction
Daytime and nighttime too
For happiness is any kind of edifice
At all
Built for PSU
Penn State is not the only institution with an edifice complex. We love our downtown, and along with it, the prospect of a live concert hall, movie house, performance venue, the State Theatre… the dream is coming true, but don’t wake up just yet!
(to be sung to the tune of The Impossible Dream)
To dream the impossible dream
To raise some incredible dough
STEPH and SHAUN To ask, till you’re sick of us asking
To beg where the poor dare not go
To repair an unrepairable stage
With plans from a time long ago
To try to make everything modern
So we can perform a live show.
This is our quest, to revamp the state,
You may think it’s crazy, but it isn’t too late
Who is willing to give , till there’s no more to give?
Who can write us some grants so live theater may forever be at the State?
And we know, if you’ll rethink your will
And leave us a bequest.
That the State, will be shiny and new
And will showcase the best
And downtown, will be better for this.
That the State, which was once a nice place
Restored, thanks to your contributions
Will become, an unbeatable space.
Sometime we have to say good bye to things we love…Playland closed this year, after teaching generations of State College youth the joys of hanging out, engaging in activities about which they didn’t care to inform their parents, for not much money, in other words having fun.
(To the tune of Pinball Wizard)
Ever since we can remember, Playland was quite the hall
From foosball, pool and pinball, we must have
Played them all
And we ain’t seen nothing like it, at any kind of
Mall,
We sure gonna miss it, Playland was a place for all.
All the kids could go there, no parents really knew
What went on in the alley, unless they’d done it too
Smoking in the back room or in the bathroom stall,
We’re sure gonna miss it, Playland was a place
for all.
It was a pinball palace, there has to be no doubt
A pinball palace,
We went when school was out
Why do you think they closed it
I don’t know
Is it really gone for good?
Kids now have more distractions, Playland must seem old hat
With plasma screens a flashing, you can’t compete with that.
Always something newer
The old ways have to fall.
We’re sure gonna miss it, Playland was a place
for all.
Loving what we love just isn’t enough here. That would be normally content, we’re past that. Here in Happy Valley, we even love the some of the things we hate…which is to say, , we love to hate them! Take for example, the debate over the Historic District. We love to argue over how much we hate other people’s right to be tasteless..
(To the tune of This Land is Your Land)
Chorus:
ALL This house is my house. It isn’t your house
I pay the mortgage, along with my spouse
From the day glow curtains, to the ugly dormers
How my house looks is up to me.
SHAUN As I was patching my beat-up driveway
I saw my neighbors throw mean looks my way
They weren’t liking my bright red chimney
How my house looks is up to me.
Chorus
SUE
I’ve chromed and gilded, with artistic instinct
‘Till the sparkling gable could make your eyes blink
And all around me were voices saying
It’s not correct historically.
Chorus
ELAINE
What if I want to build in a skylight?
And add flamingos, is not that my right?
It doesn’t matter if it’s butt ugly.
How my house looks is up to me.
Chorus
STEPH Throughout the Borough, folks are debating
Can they prevent me from desecrating
historic facades, I say no way cause:
How my house looks is up to me.
Chorus
And we love our local athletics, as much as we might hate to pay good tax dollars to
house them
(To the tune of A Spoonful of Sugar)
ELAINE In every town that loves its sports
There’s a necessity of sorts
Find the cash to build.
It’s for the game.
And every team you underwrite
Can play both day and night
An park, a dome
This year baseball gets a home
Yes a
Boatload of money helps the
Sports complex go up
The Sports complex go up
The Sports complex go up
Yes a Boatload of money helps the
Sports complex go up
For which the county says they’ll pay.
Is someone feathering their nest?
Or is it good for all the rest
To be contributing our
Taxes in this way?
We’re not quite sure that this is right.
Both sides were argued with some might
But right or wrong
The job has moved along
For a
Boatload of money helps the
Sports complex go up
The Sports complex go up
The Sports complex go up
Yes a Boatload of money helps the
Sports complex go up
For which the county says they’ ll pay
We love our students but we hate when they misbehave, and we do what we can to help see the light. Or rather we do what we can to see them!
(to the tune of Give a Little Whistle)
SUZIE When you start some trouble and there are no cops in view
It’ll be on video, It’ll be on video.
If you’re drinking too much and a street brawl starts with you.
It’ll be on video, It’ll be on video.
Not just a little peek, they’ll see the whole show
And if the camera’s broken Well!
No systems perfect, right!
Forget the straight and narrow path
For when youstart to slide
It’ll be on video, It’ll be on video
No need to let your conscience be your guide
And we hate that we’re not in a perfect world, but we LOVE to fix what in some, less imaginative
communities, would consider unfixable.
(To the tune of Yellow Submarine)
SHAUN and ALL In the fall 2003
There was some man
Who could it be?
Who foresaw a football game
Would conflict with Halloween
And he worried for the kids
Football traffic jams make people mean
And he said to all the rest:
Let’s reschedule Halloween
We all live where they reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
We all live where they schedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
And the kids are all on board
It’s no use for them to disagree
And the parents all say yea.
(the band plays)
We all live where they reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
We all live where they reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
So forget the 31st.
There’s plenty other days
To suit our needs
Twenty nine (echo) twenty nine
Or Thirty two (echo) thirty two
We can reschedule (echo) reschedule
Halloween,(echo) Halloween.
We all live where they reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
We all live where they schedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
reschedule Halloween
One thing, we have to admit, is that we can’t fix the weather, with which we have a complicated love hate relationship. How can you love ice storms, wind shears and grey relentless rain? How can you NOT love autumn colors, spectacular spring flowers and pefect snowfalls? This year however, the endless precipitation has strained even our relentlessly cheery resolve NOT to move to Florida.
(a rain medley)
Raindrops keep falling on my head
Out of the sky, I guess the drought
We need not dread, It’s raining every day
Those raindrops are falling on my head
They keep falling
Rain Rain go away,
So I just did me some talking to the sun and I said, I didn't like the way, he got things done... the top soil is run off... Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling...
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
But there’s one thing, I know. The rain that keeps on drumming, can’t keep coming, . It won’t be long til to
Invisible drought we’ll be succumbing.
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
There are some things, even in a relentlessly upbeat place such as our fair valley, that you just have to hate to hate. If they never happened we wouldn’t have to be upset. But they did. And we hate that. We lost a landmark establishment this year.
(To the tune of They Call the Wind Moriah)
Not long ago, there was an inn
Where food you could acquire
The Nittany Inn was real
Well known, but then it caught on fire
Chorus
Fire, Fire, the Nittany Inn was lost to Fire
Fire, Fire, the Nittany was lost to fire
Fire burnt the place right down
It was a greasy oven
I hear the people all got out
With hardly any shovin’
Chorus
Fire, Fire, the Nittany Inn was lost to fire
Fire, Fire, the Nittany was lost to fire
We all felt like we’d lost a home
It had a view quite striking
But we hear they’ll build another place,
Equally to our liking.
And we really hated the sad season for the Nittany Lions. The valley echoed with the gnashing of teeth, the beating of the breast and the suggesting of the retirement of our dear JoePa.
ALL (to the tune of Go Down Moses)
Against Temple we did
Make a stand
Don’t let JoePa go.
Kent State couldn’t win Against our band
Don’t let JoePa go.
Way down, Lions, Way down in loser land
Tell rich donors, don’t let JoePa go
So BC came to ourLittle town,
How were we to know?
Big bad Boston boys, they brought us down
Don’t let JoePa go.
Thus spake the Monday morning quarterbacks
JoePa has to go
Let him be a coach in Chilliwack
JoePa he must go.
The season seemed to go From bad to worse
Don’t let JoePa go.
Is it age or luck or a Bowden curse?
Don’t let JoePa go.
Way down, Lions, Way down in loser land
Tell rich donors, don’t let Joe Pa go
But such sentiments were far from universal. We hate losing, but we love JoePa.
(To the tune of Oom Pah Pah from Oliver)
SAM and ALL There’s a little rally we go to in the valley
On Saturdays in autumn, when weather is clear
With a little patience your own imaginations
Will tell you just exactly for whom we do cheer
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
He may be old
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
Seats still get sold
Why does fan loyalty never grow cold?
Could it be Joe Pah Pah?
Teams may have a good year, or they may have a bad year
The fortunes of the Lions they rise and they fall
The tailgaters still party, all uniformly hearty
Not caring what the score is, there’s beer for us all!
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
He may be old
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
Seats still get sold
Why does fan loyalty never grow cold?
Could it be Joe Pah Pah?
This year was a bummer, like watching Dumb and Dumber
Pathetic is a word you might use if you like.
To true fans it doesn’t matter, our dreams will never shatter
The crown will be ours next year, oh lightning can strike.
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
He may be old
Joe Pah Pah Joe Pah Pah
Seats still get sold
Why does fan loyalty never grow cold?
Could it be Joe Pah Pah?
One thing we did say good bye to, in a manner of sorts, was the Circleville Farm, sold by PSU to some. We love our green space, and we hate to lose it.
(To the tune of What’s New PussyCat)
Miss you Circleville, woah, woah, woah
Miss you Circleville, woah, woah, woah
Circleville Circleville
It’s a green space
It’s such a nice place
A lovely view
Why must Penn State sell off that cute little Circleville Farm?
Circleville, Circleville,
We’ll miss you
Yes, it’s true
We’ll miss that Circleville view.
Miss you Circleville, woah, woah, woah
Miss you Circleville, woah, woah, woah
Circleville, Circleville
You’re so open
The town is hoping
Developers will care for you
So they won’t fill in the wide open
Circleville space
Circleville, Circleville,
We’ll miss you
Yes, it’s true
We’ll miss that Circleville Space
Miss you Circleville, woah, woah, woah
Miss you Circleville, woah, woah, woah
Circleville, Circleville,
You’re not yet sold
And if we are bold
We can hold firm
We’ll still be keeping your
Acreage somewhat green’
Circleville, Circleville,
We’ll miss you
Yes, it’s true
You and your Circleville Green
You and your Circleville Space
You and your Circleville View.
The imminent development of the Circleville Farm was a reminder that Happy Valley is growing in size and yes, dare we say it, sophistication. And some of us love that more than others…
ELAINE (To the tune of Yesterday)
Yesterday
All the highways were so far away,
Now it looks as thought they’re
Here to stay
We were naïve just yesterday .
Suddenly
We are twice the town we used to be
Not just one Walmart, we have need for three
Development came suddenly
Why we
Had to grow
We don’t know
It’s just that way
Folks keep
Moving here, shed a tear for
Yesterday.
Yesterday
Rural solitude was our cachet
Now urban qualities cause us dismay
Oh some believe we might decay
Why we
Had to grow
We don’t know
It’s just that way
Folks keep
Moving here, shed a tear for
Yesterday
Yesterday
Life was sleepy, we were seeds in hay
Now we eat raw sushi by the tray
We were naïve just yesterday
MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM.
For those longing for the days when the only way to get to State College was by rafting down the Susquehanna, then taking overland pack mules from Harrisburg, this was probably not a landmark year. But for those who admire being with it and cool, and dare we say HIP, State College was on the map. Not possible you say? Think again. Could MTV, Bacardi AND Playboy all be wrong at the same time?
(To the tune of Don’t Worry Be Happy)
We’re so cool, we should not gloat,
but MTV of us took note
Don’t study, go party
In every town, there is some liquor,
But here I guess, we drink it quicker
They like us, Bacardi
Don’t study, go party, Don’t study, go party
Don’t study, go party, Don’t study, go party
PSU girls make Playboy think
The bodies here are worth their ink
Don’t study, go party
Your GPA is in grave doubt
Next semester you are out.
Don’t study, go party
Don’t study, go party
No matter what you loved and hated about this year, you have to admit: You can’t keep a good town down. But you can keep a good down town! And you can keep down town good. And that’s just our way of saying LOVE YOU HAPPY VALLEY, GO 2004!
ALL (To the tune of Bloody Mary from South Pacific)
Happy Valley is the place we live
Happy Valley is the place we live
Happy Valley is the place we live
And that just makes us glad.
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad
You could move here, we won’t tell you no
You could move here, we won’t tell you no
You could move here, we won’t tell you no
And bring your mom and dad.
East streets go south here and the West go north
East streets go south here and the West go north
East streets go south here and the West go north
And that might drive you mad
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
But some of us wear plaid!
Happy Valley is the place we live,
Happy Valley is the place we live
Happy Valley is the place we live
And that just makes us glad
THE END
(or is it??)
