FV4: RETURN OF THE ATTACK CHEERLEADERS
FORBIDDEN VALLEY IV: Return of the Attack Cheerleaders
Welcome to the fourth annual End of the Year Review Revue, a lackadaisical, haphazard and local look at 2004 This has been an eventful year, filled with politics, passion and pyrite, a year in which we will be able to tell our children and grandchildren with complete and breathtaking certainty where we were and what we were doing when we heard that the Pennsylvania State legislature was about to approve slot machines, the year in which the Red Sox finally broke the curse of the Bambino, but not many people here cared that much. The year in which, unlike most other years of Pennsylvania history, we were envied by residents of New York and California -because we swung , by gum.. and no place in PA swung harder than here in Happy Valley. But most significantly this is the year that a regional metaphor came to life…yes, PSU’s suckerpunching spirit squad defended the rest of us from the unenthusiastic and the zestless. We are, gosh darn, and you WILL BE TOO.
Do you dare come with us? If so, let’s escape by the back door, making sure to be accompanied by a reliable witness and enter Forbidden Valley IV : The Return of the Attack Cheerleaders.
(Opening number to the tune of Bloody Mary )
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here then, boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad.
You could move here, we won’t tell you no
You could move here we won’t tell you no
You could move here we won’t tell you no
And bring your mom and dad.
East streets run south here and the west run north
East streets run south here and the west run north
East streets run south here and the west run north
And that could drive you mad.
Some vote for red here and some vote for blue
Some vote for red here and some vote for blue
Some vote for red here and some vote for blue
And we don’t hang a chad.
Resolutely cheerful, that’s what we are, in the face of obstacles that other citizens of less high spirited towns would gripe about. Take this evening, for example…if you drove here, you probably asked yourself one or another of these questions-will there be a space close by? What if it’s icy? Are they ticketing in the PSU lots after 5? Do the meters run late on Saturday? But here you are anyway, despite the inconvenience…downtown.
(To the tune of DOWNTOWN by Petula Clark)
When you’re walking on Beaver, you will mostly see students
That’s the way it is- Downtown
And if their actions aren’t guided by prudence?
You can always yell,- pipe down!
Their music and their clothing, all are signs of mononculture
Hoping for some changes takes the patience of a vulture
Circling around.
Their numbers are much greater here
Than we folks who pay taxes or color our hair.
Who owns downtown?
Is it the younger crowd? Downtown.
Will families be allowed? Downtown.
The future depends upon you.
Parking’s expensive, and it’s never convenient, that’s the way it is, downtown
And if all the shoppers flock to Wegman’s and Walmart
Then more stores will close, downtown
But stop for just a minute and share a different vision
Think how happy we could be without an age division
Grandpap and you
The stores will meet every need
You can buy adult diapers or bongs for your weed
So go Downtown
All ages welcome here
Downtown
The future is coming clear
Downtown
Everyone’s waiting for you.
And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
Someone who is old like you and needs a helping hand to
Get cross Allen Street
So maybe I’ll see you there
We can pretend that we’re thrity
I”ll buy you a beer,
When we’re downtown
All ages welcome here
Downtown,The future is coming here
DowntownEveryone’s counting on you.
Parking is a pain, yes, yes, we admit it, although we hate to. BUT DO NOT WORRY, we’re working on it… right this minute as a matter of fact, we are working on it. If you don’t believe us, go right down to Allen Street and see for yourself
(To the tune of We’ve Only Just Begun)
We’ve only just begun to park
More space has been promised us
For you and me and our SUVs
Construction has begun
As from the rising malls we fly
So many stores to choose
We must have parking right near our lunch
‘Cause walking’s not much fun
No more circling around College Ave
To wait for someone to drive away
It will be heaven, all the space we’ll have
Too bad they still will make us pay!
Expensive! Expensive!
Yet when late evening comes, park free
So what if the stores are closed?
We’ll sit in our cars and enjoy the view.
Construction has begun
But why all this need for parking? What exactly do we have to drive here for?
If you’re a grown up, it isn’t to buy clothes. Sadly, two of the few places that saw fit to sell clothes to mature people of dignified stature, closed their doors this year.
(To the tune of The Rose)
Some say style is hard to find here
For a mature woman’s need
Some say they love to wear clothes looser
And hip fashion never heed.
Some say style, for adult women
Could be so much more than tweed
We knew style came from Medusa’s
From you we took our lead.
It’s the man who needs a good suit
For whom shopping is a chore
It’s the man who needs a tailor
Who knows how to place a gore
It’s the man who likes good service
And a pleasant refined store
Well that man is one sad bunny
Since Bostonian’s closed its door.
When young people drive the market
And old folks must ride along
When the styles are far too trendy
And you will not wear a thong
Just remember when you’re shopping
How both these stores were what you chose
The Bostonian and Medusa’s
Oh how we’ll miss their clothes!
On the upside, if you’re sitting in the dark no one can actually see that your tank top from Abercrombie is exactly the same one worn by the 20 year old walking past you, only on her it looks fetching, and on you, well you just looked fetched. That’s why the planned multiplex are so important to keeping our cheerful frame of mind.
To take me out to the ballgame)
Let’s go out to the movies
Let’s go see something new
Buy me a ticket to see a flick
I love it now that we have quite a pick
But what’s this, there’s nothing real daring
All these film are just Hollywood fare
So it’s to the GARMAN we go
For a film that’s rare!
We aren’t complaining, no, no indeed we’re not. No… and if we were a little, you wouldn’t tell anybody would you. Besides, we are too happy to complain about the lack of variety in the movies, so many screens so little choice. We’re just waiting on the State Theatre to get done, which it will once we finish raising the funds to complete it. We JUST know it!
(to be sung to the tune of The Impossible Dream)
To dream the impossible dream
To raise some incredible dough
To ask, till you’re sick of us asking
To beg where the poor dare not go
To repair an unrepairable stage
With plans from a time long ago
To try to make everything modern
So we can perform a live show.
This is our quest, to revamp the state,
You may think it’s crazy, but it isn’t too late
Who is willing to give , till there’s no more to give?
Who can write us some grants so live theater may forever be at the State?
And we know, if you’ll rethink your will
And leave us a bequest.
That the State, will be shiny and new
And will showcase the best
And downtown, will be better for this.
That the State, which was once a nice place
Restored, thanks to your contributions
Will become, an unbeatable space.
If it were just the State Theatre that needed money, well, we’d have a community theater to rival the Palladium because that’s the kind of people we are. But true to our form, the causes here are myriad.. we donate money and time to EVERYTHING that we can think of because where some communities see problems, we see an opportunity for a silent auction.… the Y, Schlow Library, Alpha Community , the CCCF, the PCO, the NVS, the women’s resource center, the PDT, the United Way, WPSU WPSX, Easter Seals, Diabetes, walking for Asthma and Alzheimers and breast cancer and Aids and Galaxy … is there no end to the fund raising?
We must be a rich town
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long they ask us for some dough /We must be a wealthy town!
We hardly ever say no
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
We must be a biddy biddy rich
Yidle diddle didle didle town.
We’ll have a brand new theatre with
Seats by the hundreds right in the middle of downtown
And yes! a bigger Y with fancier pools
We crow
An expanded Schlow will be going up
As soon as the old one is all down
And Alpha Fire Company can only grow!
We must be a rich town
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long they ask us for some dough /We must be a wealthy town!
We hardly ever say no
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
We must be a biddy biddy rich
Yidle diddle didle didle town
That’s how it is all the time in this town
You’re either asking for or giving out
Some cash
And there’s no end in sight, too much good needs done.
We’re great for extracting money without pain
We can hold you up and never flash a gun
Because we love to mix our asking with some fun!
We must be a rich town
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long they ask us for some dough /We must be a wealthy town!
We hardly ever say no
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
We must be a biddy biddy rich
Yidle diddle didle didle town
Why indeed are we so insistent upon our own happiness? Could it be the salt that the Culligan man pours into our water softening systems? A side effect of limestone filtered radon? Some theorize it is the presence of Penn State, whose reason for existence, as it is trumpeted is to MAKE LIFE BETTER! We expect no less from an institution that spawns such determined cheerleaders. AND is PSU happy? Indeed it is.
(To the tune of Happiness Is, from Charlie Brown)
Happiness is campus expansion
Building new buildings
All of the time
Happiness is major endowments
Spending those gifts to the very
Last dime
Happiness is conveying this need
To a wealthy alum
And happiness is when donations
Come
Happiness is one brand new Creamery
Food science building
And forestry
Happiness is ten building projects
All at the same time
None of them free
Happiness is being so cramped
The campus is gridlocked
And happiness is when the
Streets are blocked.
Happiness is constant construction
Daytime and nighttime too
For happiness is any kind of edifice
At all
Built for PSU.
Granted, Beaver Stadium hasn’t been a big bowl of cherries lately, but we ARE NOT giving up, no way, because we would rather have JOE PA, than NO PA. Other colleges cut their coaches loose if they only win a little bit more than they lose, but we don’t! No siree! It’s going to be fine, just fine, you’ll see. So to his critics we say NO! Get over yourselves, he may be old and he may be senile, and his teams may be losing, and his pants, by heaven, may sag. But our spirits will not!
(to the tune of Go Down Moses)
Against Akron we did
Make a stand
Don’t let JoePa go.
Central Florida
lost to our band
Don’t let JoePa go.
Way down, Lions, Way down in loser land
Tell rich donors, don’t let JoePa go
So we went to Boston town,
How were we to know?
Big bad Boston boys,once more put us down
Don’t let JoePa go.
Thus spake the Monday morning quarterbacks
JoePa has to go
Let him be a coach in Chilliwack
JoePa he must go.
The season ended with two wins
Don’t let JoePa go.
Next season Morelli will redeem our sins
Don’t let JoePa go.
Way down, Lions, Way down in loser land
Tell rich donors, don’t let Joe Pa go
And as everyone knows, Penn State is why State College is here! And that, my friends, why every road in the state of Pennsylvania must come through here, and eventually a law WILL be passed that requires every truck this side of the Mississippi to bypass State College on one of the highways encircling us no matter what its eventual destination... That can be the only explanation for the ribbons of highways.. or could it be that PennDOT doesn’t know which end is up?
(To the tune of GO ASK ALICE)
More than one hill is made of pyrite
And none are very small
And the things that pyrite turns to
Are not very nice at all.
Go ask PennDOT
Where they plan to haul..
And if you go digging mountains
And you know rain’s going to fall
Tell em wet pyrite exposed to oxygen
Means PennDOT made a stupid call
Call PennDOT
Now their plans must stall.
When the sulphur in the landfill
Runs off to streams where fishes go
And the poison’s bound to kill them
And the state just shrugs ands says we know
Go ask PennDOT
Who runs their show
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the highway hangs unfinished
And there’s no good end ahead
Remember, what the DPA said
Our face is red!
Our face is red!
But here’s exactly how determined we are to be happy. The good state of PA, spent millions of dollars figuring out that they needed millions of and so couldn’t finish the construction project !, And we are happy that they have run out of our money and so can’t continue the four lane they wanted to put somewhere in Penn’s valley, because it means they can’t continue the four lane they wanted to put somewhere in Penn’s valley.. where’s the down side in that/
I live in a quiet valley, where the two lanes are not wide
I live in a quiet valley, where the two lanes are not wide.
But it may not be forever, for those truckers gotta ride.
They do not like the toll way, all those charges are a drag
They do not like the toll way, all those charges are a drag
So they tried to build a highway, thought they had it in the bag.
All the citizens were moaning, do not build it in my yard.
All the citizens were moaning, do not build it in my yard.
Pick someplace else to build it, do not let my view be marred.
They held so many meetings, tired to calm the people‘s fears
They held so many meetings, tried to calm the people’s fears
But folks they would not buy it, they were prepared to fight for years.
The state was so determined, said the valley’s fate was sealed
The state was so determined, said the valley’s fate was sealed
Told the aggravated people, to progress all of you must yield.
The commerce is too heavy, all those trucks they got to roll
The commerce is too heave, all those trucks they got to roll
And all the truckers love to cut through, so they can avoid a toll.
The fight was looking desperate, peaceful vistas would be lost
The fight was looking desperate, peaceful vistas would be lost
But then the fight was over, some one had misjudged the cost.
The state ran out of money, so the project could not fly.
The state ran out of money, so the project could not fly
And the people here are happy, now you know the reason why
And speaking of blues, and reds, this year we were the envy of every state whose electoral votes were already sewed up. We were courted with a vengeance, why you would have thought we mattered all the time, not just for the summer…The politicians and their minions were thick as thieves,… not much of a stretch there. We were sought after and called upon!
(To the tune of Hernando’s Hideaway)
A woman with a famous face
And bucks piled up to outer space
Campaigned here for the White House race
She’s called, Teresa Heinz Kerry, shove it!
Thousands poured in from miles around
Protestors came to shout her down
She said her piece then blew this town
She’s called Teresa Heinz Kerry, shove it!
And we were treated to a celebrity smackdown- Michael vs. Michael
(to the tune of Michael Row the Boat Ashore)
Michael with the last name Moore, film producer
Michael with the last name Moore, backed the loser
He came to Penn State to win some votes, it was newsa
His paycheck stuck in Republican throats, quite a doo ooh zer
Michael with the last name Moore, film producer
Michael with the last name Moore, backed the loser
At Bryce Jordan he did preside, what’s it to ya?
Gallagher came for the other side, sock it to ooh ya!
Michael with the last name Moore, film producer
Michael with the last name Moore, backed the loser
Nittany Valley is deep and wide, we must cruise it.
Electoral College on the other side, PA skews it.
Michael with the last name Moore, film producer
Michael with the last name Moore, backed the loser
So we went to the voting booths and pushed our pins and made our vote, and whatever you feel about the result, at least we were NEAT about it, not sloppy like those Buckeyes.
(TO the tune of Sidewalks of NY)
Relaxing on Teresa’s
Million dollar yacht
On a winter’s evening
Kerry might laugh a lot
He’s back in the Senate
Scoring his home state some pork
It’s Bush who has the headaches
Saving the sidewalks of New York
Blue State Red State
All across the land
The votes were being counted
To see who’d win command
Pennsylvania didn’t matter
Ohio gave Kerry the fork
It’s Bush who has to worry
About the sidewalks of New York
Well, yes, we are happy with a vengeance here in Happy Valley… losing football season, insanely incompetent highway departments, negative electioneering,
none of it really pierces our armor… not usually. But every once in a while, in a moment of contemplation, a long time resident will remember the old days, the days when the only way to get to State College was by rafting down the Susquehanna, then taking overland pack mules from Harrisburg. When the future was still the future and the present was the past just as much as the past was.
(To the tune of Yesterday)
Yesterday
All the highways were so far away,
Now it looks as thought they’re
Here to stay
We were naïve just yesterday .
Suddenly
We are twice the town we used to be
Not just one Walmart, we have need for three
Development came suddenly
Why we
Had to grow
We don’t know
It’s just that way
Folks keep
Moving here, shed a tear for
Yesterday.
Yesterday
Rural solitude was our cachet
Now urban qualities cause us dismay
Oh some believe we might decay
Why we
Had to grow
We don’t know
It’s just that way
Folks keep
Moving here, shed a tear for
Yesterday
Yesterday
Life was sleepy, we were seeds in hay
Now we eat raw sushi by the tray
We were naïve just yesterday
MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM-MM.
But we don’t stay nostalgic for long. It’s not our wont. So we wont. Instead, my friends, be of good cheer, and we mean that! Listen to this cautionary tale.
Once upon a midday cheery, while I was shopping, slight weary,
Over many discounted volume at the Student Book Store
While I was browsing, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my arm at its fore.
Tis some salesclerk I muttered, "tapping at my arm at its fore;
Only this, and nothing more."
And the silken sad rustling of each blue and white pompom
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
'Tis some salesclerk, entreating me to purchase new books at the store
Books no one had bought before
But it was something much much more.,
Presently the taps grew stronger, I could stonewall them no longer
Sir, said I or missy, truly your forgiveness I implore
But the fact is, I’m just shopping, and so I hope you will be stopping
Stopping all this yapping yapping in this peaceful store
Yapping that I do deplore
When I want to browse, and nothing more.
Then these cheerleaders came beguiling, sprightly spry, ever smiling
Their unrelenting perkiness went clearly to their core
Ladies, cute and men clean shaven, from their spirit, I found no haven
Quiet, cynical and serious haven, where I like to contemplate the sadness of Al Gore
They would not quit- I’d take a sticker – they’d have a fit
If I would not be glad that it I wore.
I refused it –and made them sore.
Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bright September
As each separate squadron member wrought a shadow upon the floor.
Politely, I wished them good morrow; no trouble did I want to borrow
But stickers only brought me sorrow, sorrow for the days of yore
For the rare and radiant days when I was a fan, oh so hard core
When Penn State had a team worth rooting for
Back to my used books returning, a humble task of higher learning
Soon again I heard a roaring, something louder than before
Surely, said I, surely there is nothing wrong with your apparatus
Can’t you see, I’m pleased with my status, and your entreaties I must ignore
Stickers I do find a bore.
I threw the sticker on the floor.
At that I thought my point was taken, but still my boots they were a quaking
Quaking as I decided to make a run for the back door.
Alas one of their number spied me, as to the alley, I quickly hied me
Hoping to escape their unwanted improvement of my Penn State esprit de corps.
The spirit I’d lost years before
After me the assembled squad did pour.
Thus began a street side scuffle, and one of them produced a duffle
A duffle filled with stickers – I guess that’s where they kept their store
With them they me did start to plaster, first quite slow, then ever faster
Until stickers were an ocean without a visible shore
An ocean of stickers
Quoth the cheerleaders: It’s a SCORE!
Be that word our sign of parting cheerful fiends I shrieked upstarting
Get thee back into the stadium where the Nittany Lions will lose some more
That’s when enraged, they became tougher, and handled me oh so much rougher
That’s when one,than me, so much buffer, punched me like I’d not been punched before
And then he tried to do it more.
Quote the cheerleaders:It’s a SCORE!
And then they left, all back handspringing, My face and self respect still stinging
I spied a pallid eye witness, who these antics did abhor
And so we went to the police station, with the unrealistic expectation
while my eyewitness, without elation, to an affidavit swore.
that my hopes for restitution briefly began to soar
Hopes that I too might trumpet It’s a score
And then the paper broke the story, with its absurd details gory
Details that made me look like a sad spoil sport and more.
And I was hounded day and nightly, by those who thought the cheerleaders had acted rightly
And I, the one whose problem was for the psychiatrists to explore.
And so I dropped the charges, though it cut me to the core.
To revive them NEVER MORE.
.
And so we send you out into this January night, fortified with optimism and good cheer, and well warned not to let your spirits droop OR ELSE! Remember-
(Reprise)
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here then, boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad.
You could move here, we won’t tell you no
You could move here we won’t tell you no
You could move here we won’t tell you no
And bring your mom and dad.
East streets run south here and the west run north
East streets run south here and the west run north
East streets run south here and the west run north
And that could drive you mad.
Some vote for red here and some vote for blue
Some vote for red here and some vote for blue
Some vote for red here and some vote for blue
And we don’t hang a chad.
