FORBIDDEN VALLEY 7
CHARMED and DANGEROUS
During the dinner, audience will be asked to fill out a tally sheet (completely bogus) to vote for the SEVEN WONDRES of FORBIDDEN VALLEY. The show opens with the SIBLING ROBBERS scooting into the dining room (We need a scooter) SIB 1 jumps off, brandishes toy gun. Goes around and picks up the seven wondres voting sheets that were at each table., goes back to narrator.
NARRATOR:
There once was a valley forbidden,
Whose dangerous charms were quite hidden.
But not for this night!
You’ll see them all right!
And your friends will be sorry they didden!
The three all ride off on the scooter, as cast enters.
Boody Mary ( South Pacific)
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here then, boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad.
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
If you’re rude then we get mad.
The stop lights talk here, tell us when to cross
The stop lights talk here, tell us when to cross
The stop lights talk here, tell us when to cross
And we think that’s totally rad.
Life is a game here,and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
If you lose that’s just too bad.
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
But some of us wear plaid.
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
NARRATOR:
Welcome to the seventh annual End of the Year Review Revue, a lackadaisical, haphazard and local look at 2007. We love to think of our Forbidden Valley as peaceful and quiet, a charmed haven where graceful youth gain knowledge at the feet of learned professors, silver haired retirees bask in their golden years. If there is any conflict between these generations, it’s an all-in-good-fun arm wrestle smack down over which of them is having the best years of their lives. Our schools thrive, even when beset by visions and distress signals, our housing market does not collapse very much, our elected leaders would never sling mud, confining themselves to the casting of aspersions, which they throw like girls. And yet, we must acknowledge, from time to time, danger lurks. Maybe not around every corner, but here and there, when the occasional stop sign is run, or the random athlete is disrespected by someone outnumbered and smaller than himself.
Yet, if you poll the average Forbidden Valley resident on this topic,( which has been done and if you weren’t polled, it means you’re not average)you’ll find that they don’t care for nagging fear and upsetting news. That’s not why we live here. We don’t pay good money not to have it! We reject these annoying disturbances of our collective concord! We look on the bright side! Indeed, we are notorious for our phlegm. Penn State’s Nuclear reactor (the oldest continuously operating reactor in the country, BTW. Doesn’t anything retire around here?) is leaking. What of it? Experts with very good educations and many advanced degrees from esteemed institutions assure us that they are pretty certain there is nothing much to worry about, and they just about have the darn thing fixed. E Coli in the hamburger patties at Wegmans!? You can return it!! No questions asked!! Money back! Swap your meat!! String of armed robberies with masked gunman and getaway driver? The perps are siblings. Even our criminals have family values. How wonderful is that?
And speaking of wonders, who needs wonders from ancient lands that didn’t have football teams! Whose people didn’t speak English? Who probably didn’t even have ONE Walmart, let alone two and a Sam’s club? The Centre Daily Times Readers voted this year on the 7 Wonders of Centre County, so we could remind ourselves how special we really are – what other places on this earth can boast of, ALL IN ONE PLACE, a reasonably high hill, a three day opportunity for buying costly items of little utility, an unusually shaped barn, a livestock fair with tents, a small trout stream running through a limestone cavern, fireworks on the 4th of July and quite a large stadium? HMMMM? Beat that, Mausoleum of Halikarnassos.
So here we are, a community of latter day Adams and Eves, post fumble. Who needs a garden, we have a whole valley. We don’t have the apple any more, but from a single seed that was stuck between our teeth, and the good help of Extension officers from the PSU College of Agriculture, we’ve cultivated the entire tree of knowledge, and it’s growing right here in our backyard. Could this explain why, even though we know the world is a dangerous place, we find our own existence charming? The answer to that question and many more probably don’t await, but we invite you to come along anyway with us as we journey to FORBIDDEN VALLEY SEVEN, CHARMED AND DANGEROUS.
THE ROBBERS COME BACK, with large bag labeled LOOT
NARRATOR- What’s this?
SIB 1. : Songs you’ve stolen to write this show.
NARRATOR- I was wondering where that went. Let me see that.
SIB 2. Pay up first. Ransom.
NARRATOR: Watch! I will disarm them…
There once were two siblings quite daring
A life of bold crime they were sharing
To the Snappy’s they go
And run off with the dough
Their boldness, there is no comparing.
SIB 1- Not bad.
SIB 2, Cheese it, the singers! (They scoot off)
NARRATOR: Thanks.
This year, good Pennsylvanians face a serious danger on our highways. Worse than rampaging deer or sleep deprived truck drivers, or being rerouted through Berwich because the ice on Rte 80 somehow escaped the notice of PennDot. No! A fiercer danger than that.- TOLLS!!
“Stuck With a Tollway Again” [to the tune of CCR’s “Lodi”]
Just about a year ago,
They set out to tax the road
Seeking each town’s suggestions
But looking for a pot of gold
“Potholes bad, bridges worse,”
Seems like the same old tune
Oh, Lord, Stuck With a Tollway Again.
Probably they’ll charge a dollar
For every mile we pass
And every time we’ll have to pay
Just to exit for some gas
You know I might catch the new bus
Over to New York
Oh Lord, Stuck With a Tollway Again…
TOLLS! But not on our dear Route 99, which will be opened, which must be opened..just a few loose toxic boulders to tidy up…And speaking of pyrite, have we figured out what to do with it yet??? AH we have a charming proposal that will solvetwo problems at once..
[Segue into “A Spoonful of Pyrite”]
SPOONFUL OF SUGAR)
In every road that must be built
There are expenses to the hilt
Just charge a toll and SNAP
The bills are paid
But drivers will bellyache
Route 80 they won’t take
This plan you’ll see, can solve problems A and B!
Take a handful of pyrite and drive it out of town
And drive it out of town,
And drive it out of town
Just one handful of pyrite, we can spread it all around,
In a cost effective way.
PennDot never really guessed
How they’d be put to the test
While carving out land for 99.
Now the pyrite pile is high
Storage space they have to buy
And the fee will be passed to you and me.
BUT NOT if you
Take a handful of pyrite and drive it out of town
And drive it out of town,
And drive it out of town
Just one handful of pyrite, we can spread it all around,
In a cost effective way.
So at every entrance ramp
Piles of pyrite (safe from damp)
Will wait for everyone to take a piece
To drop it at a distant place
Soon there will be no trace
And hence(and hence)
No piles, no toll
We’ll reach double goal!
Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h ah!
Take a handful of pyrite and drive it out of town
And drive it out of town,
And drive it out of town
Just one handful of pyrite, we can spread it all around,
In a cost effective way
And another danger we Pennsylvanians must face with
sang froid is that in a primary season that is lasting fifteen hundred years, our vote, for all intents and purposes, is irrelevant.
(CRAZY)
Pointless, It’s pointless for voting for someone,
It’s pointless, pointless for voting at all
They woo you when the primary season’s new
In April, who cares when the suspense is through.
Voting? Why should I bother with voting?
Wondering, what difference if makes if I do?
It’s pointless, even though frozen,
New Hampshire has chosen
So it’s pointless for voting, boo hoo.
Robbers scoot bag with a bag labeled VISIONS
NARRATOR: What do you have there?
SIB 1- It’s the bag the school board election was in.
They scoot off.
AH yes, The school board elections… A battle of epic proportions, if by epic you mean small… The underdogs of the spring became the overlords of the fall. When the dust settled, the tables were turned, and the winners are now in the position of the dog who caught the firetruck.
(MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE)
Just a candidate
An election lost last spring
Another voting day
No one spells my name
More typing
Than any one could bear
Write me in, before I lose again
I’ll send an SOS to the town
I’ll send an SOS to the town
I hope that they all spell my
I hope that they all spell my
I hope that they all spell my
Name right, I’m a write in
Name right, I’m a write in
Six months passed since first I lost the vote
And I should have know this might be a hint
No vision can’t keep me from running
I could mend the school
But I need a school board stint.
I’ll send an SOS to the town
I’ll send an SOS to the town
I hope that they all spell my
I hope that they all spell my
I hope that they all spell my
Name right, I’m a write in
Name right, I’m a write in
Spell right when you write in.
Spell right when you write in
November evening
I now believe what they say
Not very many voters
Can send me on my way
Seems I am saved from having to save
A hundred billions meetings,
And I’ll be warm at home.
A sad note- we are losing a dear friend this year.. after 88 years, OW HOUTS is closing its doors.. A moment of silence, please. (WAIT)
Which was exactly the sound of the cash registers at HOUTS this year.
The neighborhood market is dead, long live the box stores. HUZZAH!
We say the heck with gloom…A charming thing that happened this year was that the State Theatre opened its doors, and stayed open and stayed open and stayed open. The danger we run is that we’ll die of exhaustion from going to so many shows.
WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE
Jane Monheit, Half Nelson Sean Lennon, Doyle Lawson
Alicia Nugent, Ken Kaplan, Dr. Zhivago
Enchantment Theatre, Leon RedboneLeo Kotke, Peter Rowan
Cherished Ladies, Drive By Truckers, Indiana Jones
Clockwork Orange, Oliver Fight Club, Away From Her
Penn Dance, Moliere Acting Company Plays Jane Eyre
Dead String Brothers, Dr. John Koji- that’s the roof he’s on.
Richard Wylie, Southside Johnny, Catie Curtis, Nice song!
We’re only getting started
There’s so much to see here
You’ve just got to be here
We’re only getting started
It’s a celebration
It’s an inspiration
Willa Wonka, Interview Centre Dance , Raging Bull
James McMurtry, Arthur Goldstein, National Velvet
Nugent ,Dement Eraserhead, Das Boot
Miss Black Penn State , Bettye La Vette
Babel, Gables Green Beetle Juice is on the screen
Ruthie Foster, Breaking Away Mafioso, BeauSoleil
War Tapes, Day Night Day Old Blind Dogs, Bill Mays
Avantango Hitch’s Psycho Kids See Films for Free days!
We’re only getting started
There’s so much to see here
You’ve just got to be here
We’re only getting started
It’s a celebration
It’s an inspiration
Happy Valley, Pat Green Charlie Hunter, Don McLean
Adult Circus, House of Care Next Stage Plays Are Upstairs
Mavis Staples, Spinto Ban Baroque Juniors Big Hand!
monty Python Holy GraiL Clifford Wags his big red tail
Peter Moses, Sam Bush Taxi Driver, Canvas
Andrew Bird, Maura O Alejandro Escovedo
Tom Chapin, Peter Moses Haven’t yet booked GunsNRoses
Richard Wylie, Glory Never Ending Story!
We’re only getting started
There’s so much to see here
You’ve just got to be here
We’re only getting started
It’s a celebration
It’s an inspiration
We are only one
We have just begun, begun begun…..
ROBBERS SCOOT BACK IN, reading a newspaper
NARRATOR: Why are you shaking your heads?
SIB 1-
We stole from three stores without blinking
We were caught cause our brain power’s stinking
So we aren’t that bright
But professors are, right?
SO tell me, just what was he thinking?
(DAY IN THE LIFE)
I read the news today oh boy
Profs smoking reefer is quite frowned upon
And though the news was rather sad
I just have to say
’68 seems like yesterday
We blew our minds out now and then
We didn’t ever think the times would change
Perhaps his judgment was impaired.
Old memories were stirred.
Nobody was really sure
If this is crime or just absurd!!!!!
Beware where you turn ononononononon.
Robbers come back in on scooter,
Sib 1 is wearing a fake charm bracelet. ( $, stop light, house charms)
NARRATOR: Hey! where’d you get that ?
SIB 2- It’s a charm bracelet, made of well crafted metaphors.
NARRATOR- That’s not what I asked.
SIB 1- We stole it from you.. metaphorically speaking.
NARRATOR- Give it back.
SIB 2 – No!
NARRATOR- If you don’t, I’ll, I’ll I’ll immortalize you! In works of deathless prose.
SIB 1 –OK OK we’re sorry. , here.
They scoot off.
NARRATOR: This is full of the charms of life in Forbidden Valley
Banks are just drawn to us!
(BLOWING IN THE WIND)
How many loans must one town need,
Before they don’t need any more?
Yes and how many times will we look for a place
to open one just account more
Yes and how many lots must be
Cleared every week?,
And What will we use them for??
The answer my friend is build another bank the answer is build another bank.
How many times must I go cash a check
And see that the line is too long?
Yes and how many times must I roll a CD, because interest rates ain’t so strong?
Yes,n, how many times must I pay a use fee, because I wish to avoid a throng?
The answer my friend is build another bank, the answer is build another bank.
NARRATOR: And you need to have money to put IN the banks, we have a rich source of income not available in other less favored regions.
(to the tune of "Home on the Range"): Lyrics RICHARD KOPLEY
Oh, give me a home where I don't have to roam,
Where the prices don't soar every fall,
Where offers aren't made and the homeowners paid
To get out of town for football
Chorus
Home, home in State College,
Where the Nittany Lions all play,
Where we can't afford not to give room and board
It's a home game--we're moving away!
The alums always come, and they pay a great sum--
No price that they name can be wrong--
For a thousand a day they can just have their way,
And my wife and I gladly go long.
I'd like to remain yet untempted by gain,
"Home sweet home" a reliable must,
But instead on the road we forsake our abode
And declare that it's Snowshoe or bust!
The fall's profit we count, and "Big Ten"'s the amount,
Without even running our score;
Our lost home makes us nervous, so we order room service,
And the Nittany Lion does roar.
And indeed we have the most entertaining crosswalks in the known universe.
.Listen to the traffic lights, they are always right.
Our gratitude is more than we can bear.
So thankful knowing that the borough
Is really very thorough,
Pedestrians are safe within its care
But if we talk to the traffic lights, what if they answer back?
What if they say things we shouldn’t hear?
Would it mean that they are sentient?
Artificially intelligent?
Or maybe we’ve been drinking too much beer?
ROBBERS SCOOT BACK IN, With PSU PomPoms
Leads the audience in the WE ARE cheer.
SIB1 HAH!
NARRATOR: HAH?
SIB 2 : How’d you like that?
NARRATOR: Like what?
SIB 1: How we just stole your thunder. It’s just about time for you to start in on Penn State.
NARRATOR: Ya got me there. Women’s Volleyball anyone?
ROBBERS SCOOT OFF
(WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS)
We spike the ball
Time after time
We’ve blocked the kill
Our timing is prime
And bad mistakes
We make very few
We’ve had our share of bad calls from the refs
But we’ve come through
We are the champions, my friends
Our games are more exciting than the men’s
We are the champions
Stanford’s a loser
Cause we are the champions of the
Small-corner- of- sports you can’t hardly find us on ESPN- women’s volleyball, who even saw the finals unless they stayed up until 2 or had ESPNU WORLD
We’ll take one more bow
At a half time next year
There’s no fame and no fortune
And not much goes with it
But we thank you all
Our coach is Russ Rose
He’s now hall of fame
We considered it a challenge
To every western state
They’ll remember our name.
We are the champions, my friends
Our games are more exciting than the men’s
We are the champions
Stanford’s a loser
Cause we are the champions of the
Small-corner- of- sports you can’t hardly find us on ESPN- women’s volleyball, who even saw the finals unless they stayed up until 2 or had ESPNU WORLD
And now we know how much Joe Pa makes.. doesn’t that solve all of the world’s problems??
(SEASONS OF LOVE)
Five hundred twelve thousand, six hundred dollars, 512 thousand dollars
We know.. 512,600 dollars? How do you measure if he’s worth that much dough?
In touchdowns? In first downs?
Paces on the sidelines?
?In Bowl Games? In Titles? In Honors? In Fuss?
With 512, 600 dollars,
How do you know if he’s worth it to us?
How about WINS?? How about WINS?
How about WINS? How about WINS?
Measure in wins, seasons of wins.
512,600 dollars! 512,000 bucks home he takes. 525,600 dollars – And do we know if that’s all that he makes?
There’s condos he banks, or the bread that he hawks.
Or the way he gets thanks, or the fee for his talks.
And as we all wonder, how the story’s gonna go , Let’s celebrate decades of paying for JOE. Remember the wins! Remember the wins!
Measure in Wins, Seasons of wins.
But in order to have seasons of wins, well, you’ve got to WIN…
(50 ways to leave your lover)
The problem is all about a less than stellar team.
The answer is simple- no need to jump and scream
We’re gonna help them in their drive to reign supreme
There must be 50 ways to win a title.
Monday morning is no time to quarterback,
But 8 and 4, well, we think a spark they seem to lack
And you should listen, although we really don’t know jack,
There must be fifty ways to win a title.
(CHORUS) 2x
Intercept what they fling, King
Tackle your man, Dan
Need to hit’m with glee, Lee
Execute and you’ll see.
Stay off your belly, M’Relli
Be accurate, Kevin Kelly
Don’t turnover the ball, y’all
Execute and you’ll see
So at the Alamo They took our good advice,
It’s a victory but the Rose Bowl would be nice.
You ought to win them all, if we must be precise..
There must be fifty ways to win a title.
Fifty ways to win a title.
CHORUS 2x
Have you ever noticed how the port a potties magically spring up the week before football season starts? And just as magically disappear? Charming.
(SOMEWHERE)
Where’s the place for them?
We see no trace of them
Are they stored in the open air?
Or in a shed
Somewhere?
Where’s the place for them?
Are they cleaned out with lots of chem?
Are they stored where it masks the smell?
Are they hidden? No one can tell.
Somewhere.
Port-a-Potties!
In Autumn they’re practically clannish.
After Thanksgiving, they vanish!
Somewhere….
NARRATOR:
And from the people who brought us the TITANIC:
OCT 30
More than two weeks after a minor leak of "slightly radioactive water" was reported at Penn State's Breazeale nuclear reactor on Hastings Road, the reactor is still leaking, a university spokeswoman said yesterday.
NOV 27, 2007A steady water leak at Penn State's Breazeale Nuclear Reactor does indeed appear to be corrected, the university reported late Tuesday. 'We did not locate a specific source for the leak,' spokeswoman said. There's probably not one single hole.'
THE LOGICAL SONG
When the reactor was new
It was so wonderful
A miracle, it was beautiful
And all the smart faculty, well they’d be
Researching so happily,
Joyfully, thoroughly, for their PhDs
But then one fine summer day, the news was nonsensical
Illogical, implausible, improbable
And they told us that now Breazales
Was undependable,
unreliable, fallible, not perfectable.
There are times when science can be bleak
Reactors start to leak
And they don’t have clue
Won’t you please, please tell us it’s ok?
We know you’ll find a way
Before our trout glow blue.
One month later they say
the leak is quite correctable, amendable, reversible
But what took them so long?
Could it be that they’re bureaucratical, enigmatical,
equivocal, political.
There are times when science can be bleak
Reactors start to leak
And they don’t have clue
Won’t you please, please tell us it’s ok?
We know you’ll find a way
Before our trout glow blue.
Ah, heck, what do we care about gulping down a few gallons of radioactive
Agua.. do you know that along with Al Gore, over 2,000 climate change scientists took home a piece of the NOBEL PRIZE.. and FIVE of them were from PSU.
“Fame!”
Baby, look at me
And tell me what you see
You ain’t seen much of me yet
But give me time, I’ll make you forget this lab.
I’ve had more in me
And Al Gore set it free
We can change the climate, you’ll see
Don’t you know who I am?
Remember my name –
Fame!
I’ve gone and won the Nobel
All of us won – just the same!
Fame!
I feel it coming together
Science is no longer lame
Fame!
I’m gonna make it to Stockholm
My Bunsen burner’s aflame
Fame!
My work will live forever,
Someone remembered my name
(Remember, remember, remember
NARRATOR:
It’s a been a wonderful evening but, I know that you are all on tenterhooks, which might have detracted from the wonderfulness of the evening, but nonetheless. Through the miracle of modern technology,the votes for the seven wonders of FORBIDDEN VALLEY have been tallied, and the winners will now be revealed!
“List of the Seven” – to the tune of “Stairway to Heaven”
Our newspaper is sure, all that’s local is gold
And they’ve made up their List of The Seven
Those who live here, we know, that it’s not really so
And we don’t always like what we’re known for
Ooooh, ooooh, so we’ve got our own List of the Seven.
Ooooh, it makes us wonder, ooooh, really makes us wonder
China’s got a great wall, and it’s large to be sure,
But our traffic diverters are looming
The College Heights Diverters, whose
effect on the nerves of drivers who want an
Easy way to North Atherton Street can be seen from
Outer Space.
In my thoughts I have seen, the old world’s Coliseum
But Memorial Field’s just as awesome.
Memorial Field, which is nearly as ancient as the High School will be before the community agrees what to do with it.
Ooooh, it makes us wonder, ooooh, really makes us wonder
There’s a feeling I get, when I look at the Sphinx,
It reminds me of something that’s bovine
The Great Cow of Boalsburg. Well known to be the inspiration for Sphinxes everywhere.
And it’s whispered that soon, if we all sing his tune,
Joe Paterno will lead us to reason
The cult of Joe Pa, whose adherents are buying season tickets for the year 2308, where they hope to witness the immortal Paterno coach his 3,100th victory and finally be declared undisputed BCS Champions over heavily favored Jupiter.
[SKIP VS. 4 of original]
If there’s a palace in your backyard,
Don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a dwelling for Graham Spanier
SCHREYER HOUSE, home of the Presidents Of Penn State University. In order to enter, guests must pass by the flaming batons of the Blue Sapphire, avoid being mauled by an actual Nittany Lion that has been cloned by PSU genetic specialists and listen to ancient wax recordings pressed in 1901, of Fred Lewis Pattee singing FOR THE GLORY
Yes there’s a path to Macchu Picchu,
But in the long run,
There’s still time to see our own big mound
THE ROUTE 99 PYRITE MOUNTAIN…PennDot clean up crews, after years of scraping away sulfuric acid producing rock, were stunned to uncover a lost city of the Incas, where apparently they lived before their jobs were outsourced to South America.
[SKIP Pt. 2 of original]
And as you drive on down the road
A shadow falls across your soul
There sits an object we all know
It once made iron out of coal
And if you watch it very hard
The truth will come to you at last
That no one knows just what it’s for
That makes us love it even more…
A chunk of large grayish bricks, which long time locals know was started by a mysterious people who realized mid way through that there were better climates to be buried in, and abandoned it for Chichen Itza in Mexico. We tell newcomers that it was a “ Charcoal Furnace” used for “Making Iron”
Yes we’ve made our own List of the Seven.
ROBBERS ENTER, on Scooter and recite
It’s over but for the finale
At home all our loot we will tally
We’ve done our part
We’ve stolen your heart (and your wallet and your keys)
How lucky to live in the Valley
REPRISE HAPPY VALLEY THEME
Boody Mary, South Pacific)
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here, then boo hoo for you
If you don’t live here then, boo hoo for you
We think you should be sad.
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
We are polite here, we will hold the door
If you’re rude then we get mad.
The stop lights talk here, tell us when to cross
The stop lights talk here, tell us when to cross
The stop lights talk here, tell us when to cross
And we think that’s totally rad.
Life is a game here,and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
Life is a game here, and we like to win
If you lose that’s just too bad.
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
They built Penn State here, they wear blue and white
But some of us wear plaid.
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
Happy Valley is the place we love
And that just makes us glad.
