BUY AND BUY
A play by Pamela Monk
Setting:
Buy and Buy, a department store in Providence, Rhode Island
Cast:
PREFERA: A pregnant puppeteer
GRIT; Salesman
EVEL: Salesman
TUNE: Salesman
CHUCK: Manager
(note- Grit and Tune can be played by one actor, as can Evel and Chuck)
Play opens with Prefera, on stage, talking to a sock puppet.
PREFERA
Now don’t try to change my mind
PUPPET
Did I say anything?
PREFERA
You must have
PUPPET
I didn’t say anything. You must have a guilty conscience.
PREFERA
I do not. I am perfectly at ease.
PUPPET
Well then, why are you accusing me of trying to change your mind?
PREFERA
I hate when you do that.
PUPPET
I’m not doing anything. I thought I made that perfectly clear.
PREFERA
It’s that look in your eye.
PUPPET
I don’t know why you think I’m going to tell you. You never ask for my advice except when you have your mind already made up.
PREFERA
You don’t like that it’s a sale. Admit it.
PUPPET
You don’t want people to say that you were cheap, do you?
PREFERA
Of course not. Buy and Buy is the finest store in Providence.
PUPPET
I don’t care how fancy. It’s a sale. Someone didn’t want these futures at full price. Not for THEIR children, who only get the best.
PREFERA
Yes, but what if the perfect future is waiting for my baby, and I miss it? I’m not going to let you stop me.
PUPPET
Then don’t. You always do what you want anyhow.
PREFERA
You know that isn’t true.
PUPPET
I wish you’d put this much thought into getting pregnant in the first place. Let’s just go in.
PREFERA
Ok, Ok.
(PREFERA enters BUY and BUY, looks at the Directory)
Well, might as well start at the bottom and work our way up. Looks like there’s a lunch place on the top floor.
(Enter GRIT)
GRIT
Knocked up, I see. Well, no surprise there. Hardly anyone comes in here they aren’t in your condition.
PREFERA
What department is this?
GRIT
There here would be the department of LESS IS MORE
PREFERA
I’m looking for a future for my child.
GRIT
Boy or girl?
PREFERA
I don’t know. How could that matter?
GRIT
Lady, are you kidding? What planet did you step off from?
PREFERA
I mean, why would I want anything less for one than the other?
GRIT
Less doesn’t mean the same, lady. More doesn’t mean the same. Same is the same and that doesn’t happen. I don’t see no guys in here shopping, that’s for sure. Let’s see I can give you some options, male or female.
PREFERA
All right. Mind if I sit?
GRIT
We don’t have chairs here. That would be too much.
PREFERA
I suppose so.
GRIT
And would you put that puppet away. Less is more remember.
PUPPET
Well!
GRIT
You heard me.
PREFERA
Ok, then. I’m ready. Puppetless and standing.
GRIT
Here in the Department of LESS IS MORE, we offer your child a future of limited options that turn out to be a better deal than they could possibly have dreamed.
PREFERA
I don’t understand.
GRIT
Of course you don’t. Hardly anybody does. We have some great, under appreciated choices, like say, Bag Lady.
PREFERA
I don’t want my baby to be a bag lady. Ok. What if my child were a bag lady?
GRIT
Why not? Many fine, fine people are on the streets, lady. People who never hurt a soul, who love their fellow man, and who would give their last dime to help someone out, which is probably one reason they ended on the street to begin with.
PREFERA
I don’t like that. Sorry, no.
GRIT
How about a dog walker?
PREFERA
That’s not much better.
GRIT
What’s your problem? Dogs are loving and dependent, dog owners are fussy and eccentric, especially the ones who own dogs in a city, which is where you find your dog walkers, and if your child grows up to be a person who can successfully tend to the needs of both, what a magnificent achievement.
PREFERA
No. No. I don’t think so.
GRIT
How about an alcoholic?
PREFERA
You’re insane.
GRIT
No, I’m not. Alcoholics are people who have heightened sensitivity, that’s one reason they need the alcohol. To help them get by, to self-medicate., to stave off the pain and the depression that comes from seeing things too clearly. That’s the glory of it, that excruciating clarity of vision that all the moderate people miss out on, in fact, don’t even know is there. So lady, which will it be?
PREFERA
There must be other departments.
GRIT
Sure, next floor. The department of MORE IS LESS.
PREFERA
Thank goodness. (She takes puppet and goes to the next floor to meet EVEL)
EVEL
Welcome, my most lovely mother to be, to the department of MORE IS LESS.
I take it you’re looking for a future of grand and auspicious proportions for your young progeny in the making.
PREFERA
Yes, I am.
EVEL
Is that it? Yes, I am. Can’t you speak more elaborately?
PREFERA
I don’t think so.
EVEL
No matter. I can. So you no doubt wish to peruse the wares, but be wary. This is the department of MORE IS LESS. The futures are expensive, but not particularly worth the output. I say this all the time, but no one believes me. You’d be surprised how much people will spend thinking that the spending alone is what will make everything perfect. But no matter. I should get to the selling. Would you like to sit down? We have more chairs than we know what to do with.
PREFERA
Thank you.
EVEL
Bring the puppet out, too. Certainly her company would be most appreciated, here in the department of MORE IS LESS, we say two’s company, three is even more company, in fact we’d really like ten or twenty.
PUPPET
Thank you. You don’t see manners like that much anymore.
EVEL
No, you don’t.
PREFERA
So what do you recommend?
PUPPET
I like the selection here. President, prophet, Ooh, heiress, comes in two varieties, madcap and sought after. Nice.
EVEL
Nice indeed.
PREFERA
Which do you recommend?
EVEL
We only describe. It’s ill advised to tell people how to raise their own children, so we don’t. But we can advise.
PREFERA
What about CEO of a major company?
EVEL
The money is good with that. But then you have to balance off the temptations of the business world. It’s very hard to live a professional life of integrity with such large sums of money at stake. And the cost to one’s family life is enormous. Disaffected children, bitter exes, laughable late matches with gold digging younger spouses. It’s not pretty.
PREFERA
President?
EVEL
There is guaranteed immortality, that’s true. But the best regarded Presidents, such as Lincoln or FDR, well, you see how it went for them. And the obscure ones, take Millard Fillmore for example, are remembered for installing indoor plumbing in the White House, which many not be your immortality of choice.
PREFERA
I see. What about conductor of a major symphony?
EVEL
If it were only simply a matter of talent, I’d say that would be an excellent choice. But imagine dealing with scores of musicians, the temperament, the fragility. And to be subject to the lacerations of the critics, or the apathy of the public after you’ve worked yourself into a state of nervous exhaustion. Well, it’s your baby, not mine. It isn’t mine, is it?
PREFERA and PUPPET
NO!
EVEL
Thank you. More sometime is too much, but that’s not this department.
PREFERA
Is there any other department? Please, I want something with, well, an even keel.
EVEL
Oh, yes. Try the third floor, the department of MORE OR LESS THE SAME.
PREFERA
Thank you.
EVEL
My pleasure, I’m sure.
(PREFERA and PUPPET head to the third floor, where they are met by TUNE, who sings this to the tune of Moon River)
TUNE
Pregnant Ladies
Wider than a mile
Stop hunting for a while
And pray.
Ambitious mothers
Like no others
Think their careful planning
Will make things OK.
Life isn’t a plan you can arrange
I know that may sound strange, you’ll see.
Your children will be happy or not
With or without your plot
Relax and love your tot
Leave your baby’s life be.
(Exit TUNE)
PUPPET
Well, I never. What sort of thing is that to say to a mother?
PREFERA
This isn’t what I was expecting.
PUPPET
That’s the trouble with expecting, you’re always expecting., Everything.
PREFERA
Thanks, you always know the right thing to say.
PUPPET
I am good for something!
PREFERA
Which is why I’m glad you’re always with me, sort of.
PUPPET
Sort of glad or sort of with you?
PREFERA
I don’t like anything here. This has been very disappointing.
PUPPET
I told you.
PREFERA
Why do you always have to say that?
PUPPET
I only say it when I’m right.
PREFERA
And you think you’re right?
PUPPET
Obviously, why else would I have said I told you?
PREFERA
I’m going to complain.
PUPPET
You should ask for your money back.
PREFERA
But I didn’t spend anything.
PUPPET
Your time, precious time you could have spent reading self-help books and get your baby a future for free.
PREFERA
I thought you were against me getting something cheap.
PUPPET
There’s all the difference in the world between cheap and handmade, dear.
PREFERA
I need to complain. There must be a department of consumer complaint.
TUNE
(TUNE pops his head in briefly) Next floor.
(PREFERA and PUPPET go to the next floor where they are met by CHUCK)
CHUCK
Ah, I see you’ve been through our departments.
PREFERA
Yes, we have and
CHUCK
You’ve come to complain about the options.
PREFERA
Yes. You, why you are expecting me.
CHUCK
You could put it that way. Expecting, expectations, expectoration, it’s all the same here.
PREFERA
Here?
CHUCK
This is the department of MORE AND LESS, half of one, six dozen of another. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, can’t win for losing, in a hundred years we’ll all be bald, life is too short, life is too long, you names, we don’t really care about it.
PREFERA
I came to complain.
CHUCK
Go ahead, if it will make you feel better.
PREFERA
I don’t want it simply to make me feel better. I want…I want…I want results, I want to come out of here with a destiny for my child, as advertised.
CHUCK
Which destinies did you expect to find here?
PREFERA
Something reasonable, something any parent could be proud of, you know, along the lines of well adjusted, healthy, making good money, having a fine spouse and sturdy children, a respected place in the community, nice vehicles, as well as two homes and and a time share. Oh, and happy, too.
CHUCK
Well, you can’t get that here.
PREFERA
Well, where can I get them?
CHUCK
YOU can’t get them anywhere.
PREFERA
Then why do you have this store?
CHUCK
Successful enterprises such as ours exist for the needs that people think they have. People need to think they can control the destinies of their children.
PREFERA
Babies don’t raise themselves. I need a focus on the future.
PUPPET
Offer us something. Something we can brag about!
CHUCK
Suit yourself. Everyone always does. So which one do you want? I’ll ring it up.
PREFERA
I want..what do you think?
PUPPET
So now you ask my opinion?
PREFERA
You know I can’t get away from it.
PUPPET
That’s because I’m always right.
PREFERA
So what?
PUPPET
What is that I’m not going to tell you.
PREFERA
What should I do?
CHUCK
You could ask the baby.
PREFERA
I could. (She addresses the fetus) Baby?
PUPPET
(Also addressing the fetus) Baby?
BLACKOUT.
